So. I've had this idea brewing for QUITE a while now. I can't trust anyone. That's it, in a nutshell. I DONT TRUST ANYONE. Anyone I've trusted, they've blown my trust. They tell my business. They lie. Or show their butts about it because apparently I'm annoying. I guess. That must be it. If I'm crying, devastated, questioning myself, and your response is to jump all over me for it, well.. you just blew it. I don't respond well to attitude problems, nastiness, throwing your weight around, and trying to make me further upset because it bothers YOU.
Heck.. I got a therapist. I'm honestly not sure I even trust her. She hasn't given me a REASON to trust her. Ok, yeah, she has credentials. Big deal. I feel she is judgy. She has YET to ask me about what's going on in my life. Why I cry every day. She's just asked me if I self medicate. Duh. Don't we all?
This week I lost my precious Granny. I loved her SO MUCH. I am broken hearted. I can't believe the ache in my heart. And on top of that, I know it's going to end up a family brawl over her few possessions. Over STUFF. It's not like she has lots of jewelry or ropes of diamonds and fur coats. Just old OLD furniture and clothes that went out of style 30 years ago. But I know how some people are. And nothing good is going to come out of it.
In the meantime.. I cannot say how many times I have done my best to be there for others. I'm so low right now.. no one cares. Literally. No. One. Cares. I don't think I have ever felt more alone in my life. Maybe it's the grief of losing my granny. And how it's affecting everyone. I have tried to be strong for other people and be a rock for them. I feel like I'm standing in an avalanche of rocks and boulders, and no place of safety is anywhere to be seen.
When a person expects me to open up and spill my guts to them... roll over and show my belly, like my little dog Cocoa Bean, yet... it's okay for them to hide stuff from me. And then there are the liars. Ones who lie to me, manipulate me, feed me a line of crap. And I'm stupid enough to believe them. Don't act sugary sweet to me. I know you're a pervert. I know you lie. I know you steal. I know some of the things you've done. Things that are morally wrong. Sick stuff. Or tell me screwed up stuff just to see if you can shock me. Why? And I'm supposed to trust... riiiiight.
So no. I don't trust anyone anymore. Everyone has their own ulterior motives. Or are so selfish.. self absorbed.. so narcissistic why should they care about anything at all unless it benefits them in some way. Is this a popularity contest? Do you think being this way makes you 'one up' everyone else? Make you feel important? Is it the feeling of control you like so much? Or maybe I'm just a popular choice for dumping on.
So, apparently, I'm "nice". I "have a good heart". Well, thank goodness for that. I DO try to do the right thing. My conscience bothers me if I don't. I try to be fair. Just. Caring. And dependable. All this has done is made me a doormat. Something for others to wipe their feet off on.
Is this God's will for me? To trust only Him? And pour myself wholly into him? Okay.. but how do I do that while in the world? Especially in a world of evil. I'm not perfect AT ALL... never claimed to be.. but by golly if other people don't kill themselves to point out flaws.. and do their best to bring you down into the muck.. and get you to lose your focus and not give yourself fully to God. All these distractions and earthly attachments. Is this worth it? No.
I will be 53 in just two weeks. Feels like 103 instead. My soul weeps. I guess maybe I'm having a pity party. But believe me, this feeling of no longer trusting anyone has been brewing for a long time... it's just gotten a lot stronger in the last few months. I need to pray. Pray like never before. I just don't know what else to do.
