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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Choosing to Live



I blogged over two months ago that I was feeling "off".   I've blogged time and time again how I was going to change my eating, change my lifestyle, do things different... and still... I've not stuck to it.   Those stupid old patterns keep replaying.  I hate it.   I want to break free from those lousy, life-draining habits.

I feeling I'm drowning.  Screaming for help, but no one can help me, but me.

I've missed another 5K with my family, because Momma can barely walk to the mailbox and back I'm so fat and out of shape.   They went, and had a wonderful time.  I stayed home, alone, and cried.   Hating myself.  

My kid is going to miss out on a camping trip because of me.  I am literally taking away from my children with being so out of shape.  It's not just about me.  I'M HURTING MY OWN KIDS!  And it makes me feel like the most worthless piece of garbage on the planet.

So I've made the decision to LIVE.   Not to get skinny or this or that... but to LIVE.  I've flipflopped back and forth between unschooling and relaxed homeschooing.. and finally I've decided WHO decided I had to even have a label for what I do or don't do with my own kids?   If you've met my kids, you know they're friendly and funny and smart as whips and they're happy and well grounded and by golly I think I've managed not to mess them up too terribly in that regard.  But yeah.  Sorry, we're not doing that label anymore.  I don't care two hoots what anyone thinks.  I will educate my kids in the way I believe in my heart is best.  Period.

Back to my decision to LIVE... more plants.  Opening the windows more and breathing some fresh air.   I'm going to get back into buying my produce organic again.   I need to move more.  Buy for all of us with thought and care.     Buying/cooking less wheat.  Less meat.   I have GOT to kick this sugar habit.  It's KILLING ME. :(  

I'm sitting here feeling the breezes, and hearing my windchimes, listening to my daughter chatter ... and feeling like I have a game plan, no matter how unfancy or simple it may be..... I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.   I'm watching time, pass.. time passing right by... my kids growing up (one is already grown) right before my very eyes.   I've already missed too much!
Lord, help me to be the mother I need to be.  Help me in my struggle.   My "bubble" is green and gorgeous and filled with love and beauty... but Lord, please assist me in being able to tend it, explore it, and have the strength to be able to follow my babies through it.  Help me Lord.. as I choose to live.



6 comments:

  1. Susan,

    You are a beautiful person and I love you! I admire you for not being afraid to reveal who you are, and not worrying what people think. You have two wonderful children. And I'm proud to be your friend. You said no one can help you except you, but I can pray and listen and love you. Don't forget that!

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    1. Sue, my friend, I feel the same about you! Thank you for your prayers and your friendship! ♥

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  2. I'm sending a cyber-hug your way from Virginia! I thought of you yesterday, actually, when I heard someone on the radio say something about being in a Catholic bubble, and I wondered how you were doing. Please don't be so hard on yourself; I'm sure your kids would say that you're a great mother! :) May God give you strength and encouragement to keep doing those little things that make you happy and feel closer to your family; and when you stumble, that He'll reach out his hand to help you up and keep going. Praying for you today, blessings to you and your family!

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    1. I feel that I know you, but I am not sure how! :) Thanks so much for your kind words. :) I just subscribed to your blog. I am not so sure about my bubble in this past week. I feel I've taken a step forward then fell back two. Again, thank you for your sweet comments. Honestly.

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  3. Susan...you are the best. I love you!

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    1. Miss Nancy, you are one of my very, VERY favorite people in the entire world and I just LOVE you! Thank you for being my friend. ♥

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