A Sunday of Tears

A Sunday of Tears

Where to begin?  My daughter had someone hurt her today..  apparently because she is autistic.   Seeing my sensitive, tender-hearted daughter crying because she has such a hard time making and keeping friends upsets me.  All kids have trouble, but I am here to tell you that it is harder for kids who are special needs.  And it's not always the other children.  Sometimes it is the parents.  Ignorance abounds, and it is so, so sad.

It took another mom, (God bless her!) to help me to realize I need to be my daughters playmate.. I knew this of course, but sometimes we just 'need' to 'hear' things, to 'ring that bell' in our brains.  Thank you dear lady!

I have heard that Padre Pio could 'read souls'.  I am wondering if our own Fr. Sal is the same?  After mass we chatted a few moments with friends, and seeing the priest approaching, we were going to just quietly slip out so they could talk.  He stopped us.  Not a word, but called us over.  Looks into my daughter's face, and asked her if she was okay.  She responded she was fine, but had had a "bad morning" but it was better now.  Father Sal told her that when she was sad, she should pray to Jesus and His Mother, and ask them to help her and they would.  Then he hugged her, kissed her face, and told her he loved her.  The floodgates opened.  My daughter wept her little heart out.  I was moved to tears watching the kindness of this dear man, and my little girl.    So afterwards, he made her "pinky promise" that she should call him any time.  Dear, dear sweet man.

So then he turns to me, looks into my eyes, and asks me if I'm taking care of myself.  "I'm trying to..."  He tells me, "You must.  It's important..." Gives me a couple of big hugs and kisses me  (sweet, Grandfatherly old Italian man who always kisses ♥ LOVE HIM!) and then he says it.. he looks into my eyes, like he's looking THROUGH me, and says, "Please open yourself to Jesus".  That's when I realized I'd been "holding my breath" with Jesus..  Father knew.  I don't know HOW he knew..  *I* didn't even know..  Robyn and I were mopping tears all the way out to the car.

Tonight I was reminded about the baby bottles we're supposed to be filling with change for Emergency Pregnancy Services.  This is dear to my heart, so of course I'm happy to save/collect change "for the babies".  So I'm home filling this baby bottle with change, and I look at the slip of paper inside, and it says you can donate the money "in memory" of someone.  

Stephanie

This November will be 8 years since my beautiful 36 year old friend died suddenly, in her sleep, with no warning.  I think of the three babies she lost, and I believe in my heart that now she is with her babies in Heaven..  

I don't know what made her pop into my head.  Her.  Her babies.  But it's been almost 8 years and I swear the pain is just as fresh today as it was the day she died.   I grieve her babies I would have loved like my own children, the way I love my nieces and nephew.  I grieve all the things I said or didn't get to say.  That I didn't get to say goodbye to her.  That she's still in an unmarked grave pains me in a way I can't even describe.. I've even called the cemetery and sobbed, begged, and pleaded if I could get some kind of marker for her..  anyway... I can't shake her tonight.. I miss you Steph.  

Tonight I weep for friends and babies taken away too young and too soon.  For special needs children who feel lonely and friendless... and for sweet loving clergy who comfort us and pray for us all.  Pray for the religious...  they have such a burden to bear..  

God bless them.

Staying In My Catholic Bubble

There's a reason I stay "in my Catholic Bubble".    Out there?  In the world?  It stinks.  

I am having 'one of those days'..    the devil is breathing his 'stanky' hot breath all over me right now, and I'm in a funk.   I've had a few incidents of rudeness from different people.. who have totally hurt my feelings, but I didn't say anything.   I am weary of people trash talking our new pope, whom I LOVE and think he is a Gift from God... and sorry if you have nothing nice to say I'd rather you just not even mention it to me.

So, here is my compilation of the things done/said, where I bit my tongue, and tried to let it go.  

I do NOT worship Mary.  Or statues.  The Catholic Church is NOT the whore of Babylon.   No, I don't eat meat on Friday, and no, I'm not doing that just to annoy you.  

Yes.  I veil at mass.  No, that does not make me holier, nor do I think I'm holier than you.   Honestly I wear it for Jesus, and I promise it actually has nothing to do with you.  Really.

Yes, these are my pets.  Yes, the puppy is part pit bull.  NO, this does not mean she eats/mauls babies.  Yes, I can see how she is threatening to you wanting belly rubs and happily licking your hand.   Clearly she is a blood thirsty killer.

Yes.  These are my kids.  Yes, my eldest has ADHD, and my youngest is legally blind and autistic.  Yes, they know.  No, they don't need you staring at them.  No, I don't need your parenting advice.  And yes, I do home school, and have done so for five years.   No, they do not need to be socialized.  Clearly you do though, to ask me something so inane.   

For Catholics.... Sorry, I pass on the salad bar.   You cannot pick and choose what you want to believe.  You're either faithful or your not.  No, I don't want to listen to your arguments and 'why's.  That's between you and God.  You're not going to change my mind, and no, actually, I'm NOT a 'blind sheep'.   But for Heaven's sake, if you're going to dress like a hooker, and live like the devil, PLEASE quit telling people you're Catholic.  They might actually believe you. :(

PLEASE PUT ON SOME CLOTHES when you attend mass, and PLEASE stop talking through the entire mass.  Some of us actually want to HEAR the priest, and do NOT want to see all your "body parts" hanging out.  Really.

Other moms:   DO NOT talk down to my child, or I will show you first hand how "Westside" I can be.   Please do not cuss and carry on and tell filthy jokes in front of my kids.  Sure, they've heard bad things plenty of times, but as an adult, we need to be setting an example.  While I'm on the subject...  my youngest is in Special Olympics.   I don't want to hear the "R" word.   It is OFFENSIVE.

Now I need to just go have a good cry and get it over with... and tighten up my bubble walls.

Brain Fat, Autism, and Sucker Punches

What a long week it's been.  

Last week a lighting storm moved in, and, being as that we live in the Lightening Capitol, it really should not have been a surprise that our modem was struck, (as well as my neighbors modem, her phone, and her washer).  It's not the first time, nor will it be the last time, I dare say.  But, it was an inconvenience.  That, you can take to the bank.

I made a nice long post, saved in my inbox drafts, that I had intended to post as a blog entry.  Whatever happened to it, I have no idea.  But I am annoyed that it is gone.  I couldn't even tell you what it was about.  LOL  Obviously it was not anything earth-shattering.  Haha!

We did go to mass on Ash Wednesday... confession, Holy Mass, and ashes...  Lent has been beautiful and we attended mass on Sunday too.  I am so glad we went.  Robyn gave up sodas for Lent... and she's had a very difficult time when someone else is having one, and she has to pass on a drink. :)   It's good for her though.  It's good for all of us.

Today, I took Robyn to her pediatric doctor appointment... the results of all her bloodwork was in, and the results of the MRI on her brain are back...  (let me explain), she was diagnosed with delayed myelination as an infant, and had developmental delays...  and being legally blind... they blamed the vision problems (she is legally blind), on the lack of myelin in the brain.  (for those who don't know... myelin is the 'fat' in the brain that enables all those little signals to travel back and forth to where they need to go.  Such as if I touch a hot stove, my brain is signaled instantly that OUCH THAT'S HOT, and I move my hand.  Ergo, if the signals can't get to where they need to.... well, you can see where that would be a problem.)   So they said (originally) that the part of the brain causing the vision issues was because of the delayed myelin.  That it was not fully developed, and they didn't know if it would or not, or if it did, how much.  Fast forward and she is now twelve years old.  And the MRI they just did says that her brain is fine.  That her myelin is fine... and normal for her age.  Uh huh.  Well then why can she still not see?  No one knows.  Her eyes are healthy, but her vision is still very very bad.  Weird.

So.... her doctor has recommended we see this other "big city" doctor in Miami.  *sighs*  I am wondering if the insurance will cover it, and I am fairly sure they will but have to wait on their official word.  They want to rule out certain things, and re-visit the world of genetics too.  *whimper*  We've already seen two geneticists in the past.  I am not anxious to do that all over again, but it's my daughter.. what else can I do?     To add to my joy... our doctor has diagnosed Robyn with Autism Spectrum. 

 She's high functioning, and leaning towards Aspergers.  
This, I have suspected all along.  We have (yet another) referral to another place that specializes in Autism, so I have my referral in hand, and my phone call made.  Now I await the call back for an appointment. 

I understand there are parents out there who have children with cancer, ... life-threatening illnesses, and we are very very blessed and I get that.  And trust me, I am thankful.  But I have to tell you... I did get a few tears when she told me we'd have to drive a long way to another city to see another doctor... the only one of his kind in the state...  it reminded me of when people have to fly with their sick child halfway across the country to get to a special doctor or hospital... again.. not that I am remotely comparing...  I'm not I swear... but it was a shock to me.  The autism and Aspergers I have seen coming for a long time.  So those did not surprise me.  But some issue I'd never even heard of before, another doctor, another city, and re-visiting Genetics... I just flat out did not see that coming.  Doc was nice... she sent Robyn out while she and I talked.  Thank the Lord... Robyn did not see Momma wipe tears..  I "reeled it in", and got my composure back.  I've been holding it in ever since.  I called my own mom, and had a talk with her... she and my sisters helped me feel better.  Like I told my mom... She's healthy, happy, she's doing fine... but I was not expecting this, and though God knows it could be much worse... this is still a pretty big pill to swallow.   I hate to "poor me"... but right now I just feel that way a little.  God will get us through all of this though.   Funny.  I thought a week ago was the worst...  and then we got through it and hahah BOOM!  Now this.  I can't help but laugh a little.  Surely I have "sucker" stamped right on my forehead for being such a blissful dork over the last week. :)   My joy is still there... I just don't particularly like those sucker punches ya get sometimes. :)