My own personal "Ghost of Christmas past"...

We all know the story of the miser Ebenezer Scrooge, what a big jerk he was, and how he was visited on Christmas Eve by three ghosts, each in turn showing him his past, present, and future.  Ebenezer had many regrets in his life. He had a lady love.  He was once young and happy, and once he had hopes and dreams like anyone else.  Thankfully the three ghosts showed him the err of his ways, redirected him in the best possible way, and made him into a kind man who cared for others.  A nice warm fuzzy ending.

This week I had the misfortune being visited by the ghosts of my own personal past.   My own personal Horror Story.  It snuck up on me, out of the blue.  I did not ask for it, nor was I looking for it.  It literally fell out of the sky, out of the blue, and landed very unceremoniously into my lap.

Many years ago, like many young ladies, I  dated cruel men, got myself into many a pickle through my own ignorance, lack of experience, a certain degree of innocence, complete lack of street smarts, and my annoying habit of being too trusting.  Also at that time, looking for love... As many young women do.. unfortunately my crime was that I was not very particular in my choices of the company I kept be they male or female.  At that time I did not choose girlfriends very well either.  I was not particular and I did not choose well.  Chaos ensued.  Trust me I am not bragging and God knows I'm not proud.  Yes, we all make mistakes.  In my humble opinion, at that age in particular.

This particular 'Ghost of Christmas Past' which has showed up uninvited and unannounced has seriously upset my apple cart.  Many old memories have flooded back in a rush.... And with it, bringing up other horrific memories of other things... since in my mind they are all rather lumped together.. BUT, we all have that one person that hurt us above all others..

I am currently renewing my commitment to the laity of an order I've been with for a year now.. and as much as I love my faith, and I adore the members of the order, and the spirituality of the order... right now I am so depressed I am struggling to pray.

 I feel like everyone around me is dying. Or has already died.  I wonder about when the time comes and I die.  Will anybody remember me? I certainly have not done anything memorable. I did not exactly leave my mark on the world. I know most of us don't.  No reason why I would be any different.  I am certainly not remarkable in any way.  I'm just a fat frumpy Southern housewife... Ironically though as bad as I feel about myself, I know that I mean something to God.

I love my husband very much. He is well aware that I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety.  Bless his heart he does everything he can to help me. He tries to listen and understand. What he does not know is that I don't tell him everything because honestly I believe in my heart it would hurt him.  Even though it has nothing to do with him.  On the contrary he is my rock.  All of those guys I dated in the past.. who used me, abused me, assaulted me, lied, cheated, drugged me, and treated me and told me I was nothing.  My husband however, may not be on the cover of GQ magazine, but he is my prince. No matter how fat, broke out, hideous, and fugly I might look.. he has always put me on a pedestal.. which I do not deserve and never have.. he has always put me first.. and treats me like a princess.  I love him and I'm thankful for him.

All this being said though, I do not understand why I still have a knee-jerk reaction to being hurt, even though my husband and I have been together since 1993.  He has never been mean to me or raised a hand to me in any way.   He treats me better than I deserve.  And I don't know why.  Before when I was abused and abandoned... I didn't know why that happened then either.  I was the same person then as I am now?!  I'm just older.  Yes I have more experience.. a side effect of life.. you can't help but gain experience just from Simply living day today..  I don't understand it though.  I don't understand why one guy after another treated me like I was nothing.. and then I have a good husband.. who treats me completely opposite..  don't think that I'm not grateful.. my husband has given me the marriage and the children and the home that I always wanted.  I know he would never do anything to hurt me. He never has and he's never given me reason to feel that way.  But I have never lost that mind-set.. that mentality.. a feeling like an abused dog.  I was never starved and chained to a tree.. I never had to be rescued by The Humane Society.. but in some ways I kind of get how those dogs might feel.  Clearly I've never been starved. Snort. Quite the opposite.   PTSD?  I've had that diagnosis given to me before.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I'm just crazy.  Maybe I'm just too screwed up.  Maybe God allowed me to go through that for His own purposes..  only He knows the full big picture.  I have complete faith in my Lord.  Everybody suffers... everybody knows that.  There is not one person on this planet who has not suffered in one way or another.  Suffering the death of a loved one.. suffering from loneliness.. suffering from the lack of bread... From the lack of clean water..  suffering because you've been put into a nursing home and your family doesn't bother with you anymore.  Mother Teresa said that loneliness was one of the worst things in the world.. that was I believe she said the greatest form of suffering with loneliness.. I may be misquoting her.. but regardless she was not wrong because everybody does suffer.   Certainly I would never expect to get a free pass on this.

Anyway back to my point.. very abruptly I got through another person.. in a manner of speaking.. somewhat of a visit from one of those ghosts of my past that I only wanted to forget.  It is a sin to not forgive somebody. I have done my best to forgive.. and when I sit down I think about it, I really do forgive this person.. but the pain of the suffering they caused me.. well... It's sort of like an old battle wound.. when it rains it still aches.  Except in this case it's not the rain.  This wound has been reopened.  The scar tissue did not numb it as much as you would think..  probably half of it is the shock of it all.. I mean who the crap expects "the Ghost of Christmas past" to visit you? Especially in mid-January while having a sinus infection?  Too many things I am reminded of. Things I wanted to forget. Memories and pain and hurt I wanted to stay buried.  And excavation was performed without my consent.  And I'm left having to identify the body.  The broken body of me.. when I was left a broken shell.  I can't believe I thought that was all behind me. Dear God why am I so stupid?

Timing stinks. This rude awakening I just got. Being sick with this stupid sinus problem. And currently I feel like I'm surrounded by Death.  Before you start thinking I'm going to off myself, rest assured I'm not. I have a teenage daughter who is visually impaired with autism. I have an adult daughter. And I have the most beautiful little grandson you've ever seen.  I may be depressed. And yeah I might feel like giving up sometimes.  But I do not want to miss a single day with these children God has blessed me with.

I'm looking forward to seeing the Sisters in the order again.  I am so grateful for their spiritual formation and guidance.. they help me remember that God has got this. And that no matter how bad things may get that I am a child of God. And his Divine Mercy is infinite.

So what will happen with this Ghost of Christmas Past showing up? I really don't know.  I would rather sweep it under the rug and pretend I don't know.  It hurts less that way.  And this ghost certainly does not deserve one second of my attention.  I left that in the past and that's where it needs to stay.

And my death that will come about one day as it will to all of us... Will I be missed?  Did my life even make a difference?  What will they say about me after I'm gone?  That I had a screw loose? One thing I sincerely hope that they do say... Is that I loved my Lord, I love my husband, I love my children and grandchildren. I love my family and friends. I tried my best. I honestly did my best to help when and where I could.  I was never perfect never claimed to be.. I was not a perfect wife or a perfect mom.  But I did the best that I could with the knowledge that I had at that moment of my life.  

Tuna on a Solemnity.. D'oh! And Why I'm Sticking to Meatless Fridays the Rest of the Year. :)

I cook every single solitary day.  Well.  Nearly.   And as Catholic converts who are rather traditionally minded, we do the 'meatless Fridays'.  It was not always that way.   We've only been meatless maybe three years or so.  One of the things, like many other things, that we've been led to doing.

So here I am.  It's Friday.  A Holy Day of Obligation since today is the Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Mother.. we of course attended mass this morning, and we come home and BECAUSE it's Friday we have tea and bagels with cream cheese.. (no meat) and I go about making a big bowl of tuna egg salad BECAUSE it's a Friday...  and then, there's hubby.. giving bits of beef jerky to our two dogs for a treat.   Even the dogs are denied meat on Fridays.  And there he is.. and suddenly it hits me.

That moment when you realize, that, after having made a vat of tuna egg salad for the familys meatless Friday meal, that today is a Solemnity. Yep. Today's one of those rare Friday meat eating days. And what did I fix? TUNA! (smacks self) This will teach me to pay attention better. I hope. *sighs*

Can. 1251: Abstinence from eating meat or some other food according to the prescripts of the conference of bishops is to be observed on all Fridays, unless a solemnity should fall on a Friday. Abstinence and fasting are to be observed on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.
This article is great for why we are meatless all the OTHER Fridays of the year. :)

Why I'm Sticking to Meatless Fridays | Catholic Answers

Staying In My Catholic Bubble

There's a reason I stay "in my Catholic Bubble".    Out there?  In the world?  It stinks.  

I am having 'one of those days'..    the devil is breathing his 'stanky' hot breath all over me right now, and I'm in a funk.   I've had a few incidents of rudeness from different people.. who have totally hurt my feelings, but I didn't say anything.   I am weary of people trash talking our new pope, whom I LOVE and think he is a Gift from God... and sorry if you have nothing nice to say I'd rather you just not even mention it to me.

So, here is my compilation of the things done/said, where I bit my tongue, and tried to let it go.  

I do NOT worship Mary.  Or statues.  The Catholic Church is NOT the whore of Babylon.   No, I don't eat meat on Friday, and no, I'm not doing that just to annoy you.  

Yes.  I veil at mass.  No, that does not make me holier, nor do I think I'm holier than you.   Honestly I wear it for Jesus, and I promise it actually has nothing to do with you.  Really.

Yes, these are my pets.  Yes, the puppy is part pit bull.  NO, this does not mean she eats/mauls babies.  Yes, I can see how she is threatening to you wanting belly rubs and happily licking your hand.   Clearly she is a blood thirsty killer.

Yes.  These are my kids.  Yes, my eldest has ADHD, and my youngest is legally blind and autistic.  Yes, they know.  No, they don't need you staring at them.  No, I don't need your parenting advice.  And yes, I do home school, and have done so for five years.   No, they do not need to be socialized.  Clearly you do though, to ask me something so inane.   

For Catholics.... Sorry, I pass on the salad bar.   You cannot pick and choose what you want to believe.  You're either faithful or your not.  No, I don't want to listen to your arguments and 'why's.  That's between you and God.  You're not going to change my mind, and no, actually, I'm NOT a 'blind sheep'.   But for Heaven's sake, if you're going to dress like a hooker, and live like the devil, PLEASE quit telling people you're Catholic.  They might actually believe you. :(

PLEASE PUT ON SOME CLOTHES when you attend mass, and PLEASE stop talking through the entire mass.  Some of us actually want to HEAR the priest, and do NOT want to see all your "body parts" hanging out.  Really.

Other moms:   DO NOT talk down to my child, or I will show you first hand how "Westside" I can be.   Please do not cuss and carry on and tell filthy jokes in front of my kids.  Sure, they've heard bad things plenty of times, but as an adult, we need to be setting an example.  While I'm on the subject...  my youngest is in Special Olympics.   I don't want to hear the "R" word.   It is OFFENSIVE.

Now I need to just go have a good cry and get it over with... and tighten up my bubble walls.

Being a Fish Eater

The first time I heard the term "fish eater", it amused me, and brought me the mental image of poor fishermen living in Europe eighty years ago, somberly eating fish stew... sitting at a scarred wooden table in a cottage with his wife, their nine children, by the light of oil lamps while the cold wind blew through the cracks of their rustic home.  THAT was a 'fish-eater'.    But now I know the 'real' meaning of this term.  "Fish eater" means, 'Catholic'.

The Urban Dictionary reads:  "a slang term for Catholics, so attributed because Catholics eat fish on Fridays during the season of Lent."

Do we?  Most Catholics I know don't "do" meatless Fridays any more.  I personally have only "done" meatless Fridays for about three years, because to be honest I didn't think the Church "did that" anymore.  Funny how a little reading can enlighten you.  :)    Meatless Fridays are NOT just for Lent.

Before Vatican II, the Code of Cannon Law said:

 "Can. 1251: Abstinence from eating meat or some other food according to the prescripts of the conference of bishops is to be observed on all Fridays, unless a solemnity should fall on a Friday. Abstinence and fasting are to be observed on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

Can. 1253: The conference of bishops can determine more precisely the observance of fast and abstinence as well as substitute other forms of penance, especially works of charity and exercises of piety, in whole or in part, for abstinence and fast.

What the U.S. Bishops Have Said:

Here’s what the document, Pastoral Statement On Penance And Abstinence, says about abstaining from meat on Fridays:

22. Friday itself remains a special day of penitential observance throughout the year, a time when those who seek perfection will be mindful of their personal sins and the sins of mankind which they are called upon to help expiate in union with Christ Crucified.

23. Friday should be in each week something of what Lent is in the entire year. For this reason we urge all to prepare for that weekly Easter that comes with each Sunday by freely making of every Friday a day of self-denial and mortification in prayerful remembrance of the passion of Jesus Christ.  (What this reads 'to me', is that EVERY FRIDAY of the year, is a 'little' Good Friday.  

24. Among the works of voluntary self-denial and personal penance which we especially commend to our people for the future observance of Friday, even though we hereby terminate the traditional law of abstinence binding under pain of sin, as the sole prescribed means of observing Friday, we give first place to abstinence from flesh meat. (READ:   first place to abstinence from flesh meat.)  We do so in the hope that the Catholic community will ordinarily continue to abstain from meat by free choice as formerly we did in obedience to Church law. Our expectation is based on the following considerations:

We shall thus freely and out of love for Christ Crucified show our solidarity with the generations of believers to whom this practice frequently became, especially in times of persecution and of great poverty,no mean evidence of fidelity to Christ and His Church.

We shall thus also remind ourselves that as Christians, although immersed in the world and sharing its life, we must preserve a saving and necessary difference from the spirit of the world. Our deliberate, personal abstinence from meat, more especially because no longer required by law, will be an outward sign of inward spiritual values that we cherish.

A little FYI... the 'push' has started to bring back meatless Fridays 'officially' in the United States.  

In my home, we are fish-eaters.  I have fish eater friends, and one of my dearest friends is a brand new fish-eater. :)    Fifty years ago, it MEANT something to be Catholic.   We were set apart.  Now you can't tell us from anyone else.   We need to get that back.  We are 'in' the world, but not 'of' the world.    At one time, Catholics were pro life, pro traditional marriage.  Now we have Catholics who seem to think they can pick and choose what the Church teaches.  That's not being a Catholic... that's the "Church of YOU//Your FEELINGS//Your Opinion", ... which frankly, does not matter one whit.   

Jesus does not change.  The Church does not change.  It is the people.. who have changed the church, or what they have accepted or allowed.   We have GOT to remember WHO WE ARE!!    When someone looks at us, do they recognize we are a Catholic by our actions... our example... how we live our life/treat others?  Or can they tell only because you're wearing your Guadalupe tee shirt or your scapular is peeking out?   Or do they see kindness..  someone who serves others and puts others first?   Do they see someone who takes a stand for what is right, instead of what is popular/accepted/politically correct?  (Worth noting here that Jesus was NOT "politically correct".)   :)  

I challenge you all... BE 'that Catholic'.  BE set apart.  Make every Friday a 'little' Good Friday.. Remember HIS Passion..  and join the growing numbers of Catholics who are meatless on ALL Fridays of the year.   I truly believe it helps us feel connected to each other - and to be a witness to our faith.

Be a fish-eater. :) 

My Catholic Bubble

Withdrawing further into my Catholic bubble has made the most sense to me for quite some time now.    And just this week, the results of this election was a punch in the stomach...  it seems half of this country has thrown in the towel with God.  I believe it's a case of about 20% are atheists, and about 30% are some form of "christian", but only on paper, and instead are a "church" of "self".   I am appalled at the number of so-called Catholics who voted for re-election.  Any self respecting Catholic who is faithful to the Magisterium would of course vote for LIFE and vote towards protecting our religious freedoms.  Being politically correct is all that matters to some of these people.   They have no problem offending God,... just as long as they don't offend immoral lifestyles.  

No.. I don't blog much anymore.  What's the point?  Isn't it a matter of pride for me to post?  I mean seriously, who CARES what I think?  Opinions are something we all have, every one of us.   Not everyone shares mine, not I theirs.  And that's fine.  Furthermore, it's not like I have some huge reader following.  LOL

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Right now I just want to stay in my bubble, hug my family close, and know that God will get us through anything and everything this world has to dish out.

Lowly am I

Lowly am I.

Jesus is the Son, and I want so much to have His Light Shine down upon me, who deserves nothing.

How I desire His Light, His goodness!

His Mercy is the only thing sustaining me.

My mouth cannot find the words to convey to Him, 

all the things my heart wants Him to know.

But He knows anyway.  

My weakness, frailty, and miserably poor spirit shame me.

I am unworthy.  Pathetic.  And ashamed.

Demons attack my family, and my heart.  

My courage and strength fail me.  My eyes, ears, and very thoughts deceive me. 

The demons even attack through family and friends sometimes.

It is painful.  I feel utterly alone, except for Him.

He alone, my heart clings to, even through my unfaithfulness to Him through my thoughts and deeds.

How miserable I am.  

Why do I ignore the One who has never ignored me?

Lowly, I am.  Deserving to be crushed.  Mind, body, and soul for my sinfulness.  

My wretchedness.  

My pride.  

His Infinite Mercy is to great to fathom.   

I am grateful He loves despite all I lack, have never and can never be.

The King and the Rock and the Great One of all ages.  

Of the Universe.

I am but a drop of water in the ocean.  A grain of sand on a beach.  THAT insignificant.

So why should He care for me?  

How can I even begin to show Him how I love Him in return?

My wretchedness.. grief.. and woefulness distress me so much... I know not where to even begin.

I am always... truly... gratefully... at His Mercy.

Being Prepared.. Spiritually

End Times.  Tribulation.  Three Days of Darkness.

*gulp*

I was raised a Southern Baptist so it's in my DNA to be scared of 'The Tribulation' which I think is the baptist version of the 3 Days of Darkness.  What's in a name? :)  It's still scary to think about!  Regardless of what flavor of Christian you are, we all agree that the End Times are going to get QUITE ugly.

Doing lots of online reading...I didn't know about blacking out the windows.  You know, (not that I am an authority by any stretch of the imagination... this is only my opinion), but I believe God will provide for us whether we are ready for the 3DOD//Tribulation or not.   God is loving and merciful.  And as long as we love and serve Him and are in a state of Grace then we've really nothing to fear anyway, you know?  :)   Though I do think we should be prepared.  

I am wondering what the official church teaching is on this.   I don't believe that God wants us to freak out and worry.  We should continue going to mass and frequent confession and love and serve Him as He wants us to.   We are encouraged to have home shrines, blessed candles, have our homes blessed, and use Sacramentals, as that's what they are for is to help us.    They are little gifts to us from God.  Not good luck charms as the power is from God and not the items.  What comes to mind is what the priest says in mass...  

"Deliver us, O Lord, from every evil and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of Our Savior, Jesus Christ."

 Isn't that what we 'should' be doing?  Waiting in joyful hope? :)

Sacramentals are part of our armor to keep evil away from us and out of our homes.  Stuff we should have on hand anyway. :)   

A biggie that everyone needs.. Blessed salt..  get several boxes of it... add a pinch to things you cook.  Not for seasoning but for the blessing that is in it.  I do it for everything I cook here.  Whomever eats your prepared food will be getting blessed and not even realizing it.  Blessed salt and holy water are powerful Sacramentals!!  When your difficult child (teenager) is not at home, go in there and spritz their bedroom with Holy Water and pray out loud... I have done this several times myself, in our home.  Hubby and I rarely argue, but when we do, I use the holy water.. and bless the house and sprinkle the blessed salt and pray through the whole house.  You will be surprised at the difference it will make.

I have a pie safe I use as our home shrine.  One of the reason my pie safe works well as a shrine table is I can store my candles and incense and matches and everything else inside of it.  You can find them used... we got ours free.  Yes you can use any table surface but you need a place to store your things so they'll be safe and not broken or messed up.  And where you can easily find them when you want them. 

My pie safe (shrine table) contains blessed candles, blessed salt, holy water, blessed medals, and so on.   As I pick them up, I get blessed medals and prayer cards and try to get them all blessed.  I keep all blessed things together.  When I find copies of the Catholic bible or the Catechism I pick them up... thrift stores are good.. and I want to make sure I have them for every member of the family and then pick up more as I can for loved ones and friends.   In the world we live in, we need to be "armed"!!   Rosaries, rosaries, rosaries!!!  Even the "cheapie" ones... better than nothing!!  Get them blessed and have them put up to give to someone who has nothing and will be grateful to have it in their hands.  I do believe the day will come we will not be able to buy catechisms anymore...  the country is already so far from God...  just frightening.  We need to be ready!  So even those free little prayer cards and stuff you get in the mail... save those.  St Benedict medals, St Michael the Archangel medals, and The Miraculous Medal... and most of all the rosary.  Even the little cheapie ones that are like .50c are powerful.. have them blessed and keep them on hand!  OH!!  Brown scapulars!!!!

If you have a Mary Garden or such...  roses or plants that you've planted in Mary's honor, or if you have existing plants and wish to use them to honor her,...  you can use cut flowers and dry the petals to make potpourri.. Roses, lavender, garden sage, cedar, (those are the ones I know about) can all be used.  Oh and I think marigolds and violets.  Dry them as potpourri, and then if you want to burn them like as an incense you can.  I use a large shell but you can use any heat proof dish... even a Terra cotta pot... and put about an inch of sand in the bottom and then one of those lighting charcoals specially made for incense, not the kind you grill with. Get it lit and when it's going good you can add your dried flowers and leaves and it makes a lovely natural incense.  :)   Another thing... when you prune roses... take all of it... flowers, stalks, leaves.. everything... and put into a big pot with water and simmer it for hours... make your own rose water.  Pour into bottles and you can have it blessed it you want to, or you can use a little of it when you rinse your hair. :)  It smells good!!  If you have it blessed and use a little in your hair then it's like a little blessing for you. :)

As far as some of the herbs mentioned in 3DOD sites..... I think it makes sense to just grow it yourself.  You can dry it and store it.  Seep it in blessed oils.  Put into your dehydrator.  Stuff like that.   When you have plenty and have "enough to share" you can use in teas, tinctures, oils, or with your dried potpourri items you use as "homemade incense" for prayer. :)  Again, just my ideas and thoughts.

So, if I am so "trusting" in God, then 'why' prepare?  People have harvested and stored food since the beginning of time, in preparation for winter, hard times, etc.  Where we live, we prepare for hurricanes.  I don't know if a hurricane will hit us or not for that season.. but I will have food and water stored just in case for my family.  But not only physical needs should be met.  More than anything, we need to be concerned for our Spiritual needs.  How do YOU prepare for your family?  I'd love to hear any ideas or thoughts. :)

+JMJ+

I Matter

 I Matter

Maybe not everyone thinks so.  But I do.  I matter.   I am a person.  I have thoughts, feelings, and a heart.   I hurt.  I cry.  I live, laugh, and love.  My feelings are hurt when someone thinks I am "weird", "mental", "too religious", or whatever ugly label you want to give me.

Maybe I am a little weird.  So what?  Aren't we all a little weird in our own way?  Just because I have a different view of things than you does not make me "weird".  It only means I have my own opinion.  It doesn't hurt or take away from 'your' opinion... Can't two "adults" agree to disagree without labeling?

Maybe I 'am' a little mental.  What's your definition of "mental"?   Someone who thinks different?   Someone who prefers a natural approach to things?   A Catholic?   Someone who does not conform and thinks for themselves?

What if someone says I am "too religious".   Hmmm... what does this person think of priests and nuns?   Certainly no one would accuse them of being "too religious" since being "religious" is "expected" of them.   Why do you feel I am 'too' religious?   Because I don't hide my faith and save it for mass on Sunday?  Does it bother you that I actually try and live my faith?  Does the fact that I love my faith take away my worth as a person in your eyes?   Am I too uncool for you?  Or you think I don't have the right "quality"?

Here's something for you to put in your pipe and smoke....   I matter.  I matter because I was created by God, and he made me the way I am as part of His plan.  My flaws are my own, and not His.  God does not make junk.  He does not make things that don't matter.  

Whether or not you think I "matter" or not, does NOT matter.  I am not here to please you, or anyone else.  This is not a popularity contest, and not a test on being "cool" or whatever.   

If you think I am "too religious", then I'd say (a), you don't know me as well as you think you do, and (b) is something nagging your conscience, perhaps stirring up a little guilt?   Jesus said we would suffer for Him...  and any Christian that does not hide their beliefs DOES... but we can't really complain... after all, look what they did to Him.   If they're going to crucify Jesus Himself, then being annoyed by some middle aged Catholic woman is nothing.  Trust me... you're not hurting me.   I just feel sad that you have shunned me because my faith 'bothers' you.... 

So, my being "weird", "too religious" and "mental" doesn't really sound too bad.   Because what it MEANS is that I love God and don't hide my faith and nor am I ashamed of it.  It means I think outside the box and don't necessarily eat by the spoonful every bit of garbage that society dishes out.  I am faithful to my faith, and won't budge on immoral issues... but I also won't conform to what everyone else thinks, says, and does... I have my own mind, my own free spirit... and most importantly, my faith...  so yes... I do matter.  I count.  I have a voice.  I have a prayer.  I have a heart filled with love...  and unfortunately I have a frail human need to feel accepted.  But, accepted or not, I won't back down on my faith.  

The mighty tree was once just a little nut who stood it's ground.  So, I must take that little nut's example. :)    That mighty oak certainly "matters" to all those who enjoy it's shade, and the animals that nest in it's branches...   we can all take a lesson in it.

Pride, Veils, and Vindication

A few years ago, I bought  myself and my daughters  chapel veils to wear to mass.    I noticed the only ones  wearing them were the old  Italian ladies who sat on  the front pew.  I was in  the back pew with a 9 yr  old and a legally blind,  autistic toddler.   I  watched the ladies.  They  seemed very holy to me.   Their reverence.  Their  piety.  Their unquestionable faith that had them there  every single mass, rain or shine,  no matter what.  The clinking  of their rosary beads.  I was  humbled. I watched EWTN.    I saw  ladies walking in to mass  wearing veils.  I noticed  some were long black ones,  like the ladies I had seen.   Some though, had these  cute round ones... sort of  like doilies, atop their  heads.  Like a more modern  take on a veil.  "Now, I  could do that.." I privately  mused, and thusly ordered  myself a "doily" one, a  longer, more traditional one  for my eldest daughter  who didn't want to wear  "a doily".  I even bought  a triangle shape "baby" one  with ties on the ends for  my toddler.   We donned  our veils, and went to  mass, heads held high. The little old Italian ladies  weren't there.   Did they  switch parishes when I  wasn't looking?  Were they  attending that super-early  mass I couldn't get to,  (because I'm too lazy to  get up that early)?   Regardless, they weren't  there.  And we got stares.   Not so much the kids.  But  I did.  I felt silly, awkward,  and out of place.  This felt  like the equivalent of having  the back of your dress  tucked into your panty hose.    We never wore them again. A few years later, we started attending a more traditional parish.  Veils were worn more, true, but  still not a huge amount of ladies wore them.  And not just the "old" ladies either.  Women younger than me were wearing them.   But still, I heard a few snide comments made by a remote few non-veil wearers behind their hands.   I considered mine at home.  I'd bought a few more  here and there, but the veils were doomed to sit  unused in my drawer as I was too embarrassed to  try wearing them again.  And I didn't want to be  the topic of conversation if I did wear them.    Time passed. About two years ago, I slowly started feeling led to  start dressing more modestly.  Not that I was  dressing "trampy", but suddenly I was more aware  of my skin being "exposed" (or my daughters) and  what was that saying about my family's reverence?   Yes, yes, I know God loves us even in rags and  smelly.   It's not a fashion show and I get that.    That's not where my thought process was.   My  thoughts were that I AM IN GODS HOUSE and I  need to show reverence and respect.   Not that I  wasn't before.. I was... but suddenly I felt exposed  if the sleeves of my blouse were too short.  I wanted my skirts longer, my shoes closed toed.  I started  taking a wrap with me to mass, so I knew in my  heart I was modest and covered and my arms not all sticking out.   The time or two I forgot my wrap, I  felt indecent and exposed... not a good feeling to  have. Fast forward to early 2011.  Lent was coming.  As a Catholic (I think we all do this), I wanted to use the Lenten Season to grow in my faith, pray more, attend mass more, and over all be a better Catholic.    I was listening to one of priests one day, and he said that we need to make ourselves "smaller" and "less" to make God "bigger" and "more".   Less of "me" and more of "Him".   My life is what He has blessed me with.  And it's His to take away, add to, and so forth as He sees  fit.  I am His.  And with that, I realized my sin of  Pride.   Yes.  Pride.  I got up every morning before going to mass and would wash and dry, mousse, curl, tease,  and spray my hair before mass.   If I'm not going  off anywhere, I don't even do that for my own  husband.  I only get up, shower, let my hair dry naturally, pull it back in a ponytail and put on a  house dress.   God didn't care what my hair looked  like.  He cares what my heart and soul "look" like!!    I considered the humility of Our Lady.  I considered  the humility of the nuns I've seen.  The humility of those old Italian ladies I'd seen before.   That's when  it dawned on me... their humbleness and humility...  that was something I wanted.   So, I decided, that was going to be my goal for Lent.   For forty days of Lent, every time I went to mass  I put on a black veil.  Long enough I could tie it up under my hair so it wasn't hanging down.  It felt  weird and awkward.   I got stared at.  I felt like a  fool.  Comments were made.   "Oh, I guess now you don't have to do your hair any more."  (Said in a condescending way) "I thought about doing that once, but I realized I didn't 'have' to." "Only grandmothers wear those!" "Father such-n-such said we didn't 'have' to do that.." But, Lent was forty days long.  This wasn't about me.  This was about making 'me' "less" and God 'more'.  This was about letting go of pride.   About showing humility before God.   Not just about  wearing a veil in mass, but wearing a veil on my  heart.  I bought the books, "Holiness for  Housewives" and "Apostolate of Holy Motherhood".   Women's libbers would have had a cow.  I didn't  care, and DON'T care.  I've never been for that gobbledygook anyway! I decided, well, if at the end of Lent I am still  feeling silly and embarrassed, I'll stop.  And if  anyone asks I'll just say I was doing it for Lent.    Good plan, right?   Lent ended.  It's July.. I'm still wearing veils.   The remote few people who made "meow, meow"  little comments stopped with their commenting.   (thank goodness).   And I am still wearing a veil  every time I go to mass.  (ETA:  As of 7/21/2013  I am still veiling, and plan to veil the rest of my  life). Finally, today, my girls and I attended the "daily"  mass at noon.    We walked down to the front pew  (our normal place) and as always it was beautiful and then when mass was over... I had a surprise.  A lady walks up to me, and says, "What a beautiful veil  you're wearing!   Where did you get it from?"   I thanked her, and told her where I'd ordered it.   (it's the handmade black lace doily looking one)   I briefly told her of how I'd started wearing them.  She was smiling and nodding... and says that she "had"  to wear them when she was young, and would like to start wearing one again but didn't want a long one.   She loved the style of mine. :)  She was encouraged  to get one.  Vindicated at last!!!    I admitted to this lady that it had been a source of  pride for me.  That I had basically "made" myself  wear them during Lent.  But I'd actually learned  things BY wearing them.  No, I don't have to make  such a fuss putting a lot of product in my hair to look "good" for "other people".  Mass isn't a fashion show.  Wearing a veil taught me to quit fussing over "looks"  so much.  (so vain!)  Also, (and I can't believe I'm admitting this), but I am SO DISTRACTED during mass...   I sit in the front row for two  reasons... one... so my visually impaired child can  SEE what's going on... and so I am not distracted  by kids kicking the pew in front of them and so forth and so on.  I can tune it all out better if it's going on behind me.  The veil helps more than you think, too.  When it's hanging down on the sides, it's sort of  like "blinders"... which is good.  Helps me keep  my eyes on Jesus. :) Some people don't like veils.  Some do.  I saw a  recent poll, and it seems that most people do wish  that women would start wearing them again,  but  most are unwilling to 'start' it at their own parish.  I totally get that.  It's nerve-wracking when you feel  like the lone weirdo. :)    There are other ladies at  our parish wearing them, so it made it a little easier.   Though sometimes at the noon weekday mass I am  the ONLY one wearing one.  But I'm past that.  I  don't care now if someone thinks it's odd.  *laughs*  I'm certainly not looking funny at you because  you're 'not'. :) Veiling (for me) is a personal thing.  Something I do  not for 'me', but for Him.     It does help that I'm not getting weird looks any  more. :)  LOL P.S.  I invite you all to read my friend Sue's blog  entry, "Pondering"...  it goes very much with this topic. http://www.sueelviswrites.com/2011/07/pondering.html ETA:  I've been asked where I get my veils... so  here you go. :)   Checkout:   http://www.modestyveils.com/  and also http://www.headcoverings-by-devorah.com/