Trust No One..

 So.  I've had this idea brewing for QUITE a while now.  I can't trust anyone.  That's it, in a nutshell.  I DONT TRUST ANYONE.  Anyone I've trusted, they've blown my trust.  They tell my business.  They lie.  Or show their butts about it because apparently I'm annoying.  I guess.  That must be it.  If I'm crying, devastated, questioning myself, and your response is to jump all over me for it, well.. you just blew it.  I don't respond well to attitude problems, nastiness, throwing your weight around, and trying to make me further upset because it bothers YOU.

Heck.. I got a therapist.  I'm honestly not sure I even trust her.  She hasn't given me a REASON to trust her.  Ok, yeah, she has credentials. Big deal.  I feel she is judgy. She has YET to ask me about what's going on in my life. Why I cry every day.  She's just asked me if I self medicate. Duh.  Don't we all?

This week I lost my precious Granny.  I loved her SO MUCH. I am broken hearted. I can't believe the ache in my heart.  And on top of that, I know it's going to end up a family brawl over her few possessions.  Over STUFF.  It's not like she has lots of jewelry or ropes of diamonds and fur coats.  Just old OLD furniture and clothes that went out of style 30 years ago.  But I know how some people are.  And nothing good is going to come out of it.

In the meantime.. I cannot say how many times I have done my best to be there for others.  I'm so low right now.. no one cares.  Literally.  No. One. Cares.  I don't think I have ever felt more alone in my life.  Maybe it's the grief of losing my granny.  And how it's affecting everyone.  I have tried to be strong for other people and be a rock for them.  I feel like I'm standing in an avalanche of rocks and boulders, and no place of safety is anywhere to be seen.

When a person expects me to open up and spill my guts to them... roll over and show my belly, like my little dog Cocoa Bean, yet... it's okay for them to hide stuff from me.  And then there are the liars.  Ones who lie to me, manipulate me, feed me a line of crap.  And I'm stupid enough to believe them.  Don't act sugary sweet to me.  I know you're a pervert.  I know you lie.  I know you steal. I know some of the things you've done.  Things that are morally wrong.  Sick stuff.  Or tell me screwed up stuff just to see if you can shock me.  Why?  And I'm supposed to trust... riiiiight. 

So no. I don't trust anyone anymore.  Everyone has their own ulterior motives.  Or are so selfish.. self absorbed.. so narcissistic why should they care about anything at all unless it benefits them in some way.   Is this a popularity contest?  Do you think being this way makes you 'one up' everyone else?  Make you feel important?  Is it the feeling of control you like so much?  Or maybe I'm just a popular choice for dumping on.

So, apparently, I'm "nice".  I "have a good heart".  Well, thank goodness for that.  I DO try to do the right thing.  My conscience bothers me if I don't. I try to be fair. Just. Caring. And dependable. All this has done is made me a doormat. Something for others to wipe their feet off on.

Is this God's will for me?  To trust only Him?  And pour myself wholly into him?  Okay.. but how do I do that while in the world?  Especially in  a world of evil.  I'm not perfect AT ALL... never claimed to be.. but by golly if other people don't kill themselves to point out flaws.. and do their best to bring you down into the muck.. and get you to lose your focus and not give yourself fully to God.  All these distractions and earthly attachments.  Is this worth it?  No.

I will be 53 in just two weeks.  Feels like 103 instead.  My soul weeps.  I guess maybe I'm having a pity party.  But believe me, this feeling of no longer trusting anyone has been brewing for a long time... it's just gotten a lot stronger in the last few months.  I need to pray.  Pray like never before.  I just don't know what else to do.

Heartache

My beautiful eldest daughter, my wonderful son in law, and my very precious beautiful grandson have moved over 2600 miles away.

I am devastated.  Understatement of the century.

I missed his first birthday.  His first steps.  I'm going to miss his first Santa Claus.

 If one more freaking moron tells me its not a big deal because I can apparently just jump on an airplane and fly out there any day or time I want... I swear to you I'm going to snatch out their vocal chords.  Or tell me that I should not be sad because it "at least I have children".  And this person would "give anything to have what I have"?!  WELL EXCUSE ME... first off, I'm sorry you haven't entered married life yet...that's not my fault.  Love doesn't always show up when we want it to. But yes... it always comes! And hopefully you won't have to go through this too at some point.

 You want to have a grandchild you barely got to see, and then have your precious grandbaby ripped away from you for the next several years?  Oh yeah.  I can plainly see how anyone would love that.  And I want to know what the hell gives anybody out there right to tell me when or how I am "allowed" to be heartbroken??

 I am sick and tired of hearing how such and such's kid moved to Japan, or how their kids moved far away and they missed seeing their grandkids grow up.  Apparently I am supposed to be happy as crap, and not miss them.  Because apparently the level of a heartache and severe depression that I am going through right now is apparently somehow stupid, silly, unwarranted, and I need to just get a freaking grip.  Well, you know what?? This FEELS like a death.  They are going to be out there for the next five years. I have already missed milestones... and I'm going to miss more.  I can't say anything to anyone.  I'm being "melodramatic' or I need to "get a grip"... well EXCUSE ME for actually loving my kids and my grandbaby.  Goody goody for you that you went through it too and it evidently didn't bother you.  I'm not going to apologize for loving and missing my family.  And oh, aren't you just terribly brave that you never shed a tear and went on with life like nothing happened?!  Whatever.

Pop on a plane...  SURE!!  Here, let me whip out round trip airfare for three people, tell hubby just take off from work for a week or two, and throw my doggies in a kennel for two weeks... where they will be terrified and depressed and refuse to eat.. because that's exactly what happened before when I had to leave them for just a weekend.

NO ONE has any right to tell you how to grieve.  I have gotten where I don't even want to talk to other people.  I don't CARE.  They've GOT their kids.  Oh please..  complain and moan about how rough you've got it....  You can hug yours any time.  I'd give anything to hug mine.

Every day I hope the phone rings.  Every day I hope for pictures.  My grandsons first birthday was last week.  I should have been there. With him on my lap. Kissing his sweet little head.  But no. I'm laying here not giving a tiny rats butt about anything else, because my heart feels like its been ripped out.  There is literally no one I can talk to.  It infuriates me when other people feel they need to tell me what and how I'm allowed to hurt.  Tell me I cry too much.  That I need to get over it.  Get a grip...

 Just leave me alone.  Go away.

My own personal "Ghost of Christmas past"...

We all know the story of the miser Ebenezer Scrooge, what a big jerk he was, and how he was visited on Christmas Eve by three ghosts, each in turn showing him his past, present, and future.  Ebenezer had many regrets in his life. He had a lady love.  He was once young and happy, and once he had hopes and dreams like anyone else.  Thankfully the three ghosts showed him the err of his ways, redirected him in the best possible way, and made him into a kind man who cared for others.  A nice warm fuzzy ending.

This week I had the misfortune being visited by the ghosts of my own personal past.   My own personal Horror Story.  It snuck up on me, out of the blue.  I did not ask for it, nor was I looking for it.  It literally fell out of the sky, out of the blue, and landed very unceremoniously into my lap.

Many years ago, like many young ladies, I  dated cruel men, got myself into many a pickle through my own ignorance, lack of experience, a certain degree of innocence, complete lack of street smarts, and my annoying habit of being too trusting.  Also at that time, looking for love... As many young women do.. unfortunately my crime was that I was not very particular in my choices of the company I kept be they male or female.  At that time I did not choose girlfriends very well either.  I was not particular and I did not choose well.  Chaos ensued.  Trust me I am not bragging and God knows I'm not proud.  Yes, we all make mistakes.  In my humble opinion, at that age in particular.

This particular 'Ghost of Christmas Past' which has showed up uninvited and unannounced has seriously upset my apple cart.  Many old memories have flooded back in a rush.... And with it, bringing up other horrific memories of other things... since in my mind they are all rather lumped together.. BUT, we all have that one person that hurt us above all others..

I am currently renewing my commitment to the laity of an order I've been with for a year now.. and as much as I love my faith, and I adore the members of the order, and the spirituality of the order... right now I am so depressed I am struggling to pray.

 I feel like everyone around me is dying. Or has already died.  I wonder about when the time comes and I die.  Will anybody remember me? I certainly have not done anything memorable. I did not exactly leave my mark on the world. I know most of us don't.  No reason why I would be any different.  I am certainly not remarkable in any way.  I'm just a fat frumpy Southern housewife... Ironically though as bad as I feel about myself, I know that I mean something to God.

I love my husband very much. He is well aware that I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety.  Bless his heart he does everything he can to help me. He tries to listen and understand. What he does not know is that I don't tell him everything because honestly I believe in my heart it would hurt him.  Even though it has nothing to do with him.  On the contrary he is my rock.  All of those guys I dated in the past.. who used me, abused me, assaulted me, lied, cheated, drugged me, and treated me and told me I was nothing.  My husband however, may not be on the cover of GQ magazine, but he is my prince. No matter how fat, broke out, hideous, and fugly I might look.. he has always put me on a pedestal.. which I do not deserve and never have.. he has always put me first.. and treats me like a princess.  I love him and I'm thankful for him.

All this being said though, I do not understand why I still have a knee-jerk reaction to being hurt, even though my husband and I have been together since 1993.  He has never been mean to me or raised a hand to me in any way.   He treats me better than I deserve.  And I don't know why.  Before when I was abused and abandoned... I didn't know why that happened then either.  I was the same person then as I am now?!  I'm just older.  Yes I have more experience.. a side effect of life.. you can't help but gain experience just from Simply living day today..  I don't understand it though.  I don't understand why one guy after another treated me like I was nothing.. and then I have a good husband.. who treats me completely opposite..  don't think that I'm not grateful.. my husband has given me the marriage and the children and the home that I always wanted.  I know he would never do anything to hurt me. He never has and he's never given me reason to feel that way.  But I have never lost that mind-set.. that mentality.. a feeling like an abused dog.  I was never starved and chained to a tree.. I never had to be rescued by The Humane Society.. but in some ways I kind of get how those dogs might feel.  Clearly I've never been starved. Snort. Quite the opposite.   PTSD?  I've had that diagnosis given to me before.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I'm just crazy.  Maybe I'm just too screwed up.  Maybe God allowed me to go through that for His own purposes..  only He knows the full big picture.  I have complete faith in my Lord.  Everybody suffers... everybody knows that.  There is not one person on this planet who has not suffered in one way or another.  Suffering the death of a loved one.. suffering from loneliness.. suffering from the lack of bread... From the lack of clean water..  suffering because you've been put into a nursing home and your family doesn't bother with you anymore.  Mother Teresa said that loneliness was one of the worst things in the world.. that was I believe she said the greatest form of suffering with loneliness.. I may be misquoting her.. but regardless she was not wrong because everybody does suffer.   Certainly I would never expect to get a free pass on this.

Anyway back to my point.. very abruptly I got through another person.. in a manner of speaking.. somewhat of a visit from one of those ghosts of my past that I only wanted to forget.  It is a sin to not forgive somebody. I have done my best to forgive.. and when I sit down I think about it, I really do forgive this person.. but the pain of the suffering they caused me.. well... It's sort of like an old battle wound.. when it rains it still aches.  Except in this case it's not the rain.  This wound has been reopened.  The scar tissue did not numb it as much as you would think..  probably half of it is the shock of it all.. I mean who the crap expects "the Ghost of Christmas past" to visit you? Especially in mid-January while having a sinus infection?  Too many things I am reminded of. Things I wanted to forget. Memories and pain and hurt I wanted to stay buried.  And excavation was performed without my consent.  And I'm left having to identify the body.  The broken body of me.. when I was left a broken shell.  I can't believe I thought that was all behind me. Dear God why am I so stupid?

Timing stinks. This rude awakening I just got. Being sick with this stupid sinus problem. And currently I feel like I'm surrounded by Death.  Before you start thinking I'm going to off myself, rest assured I'm not. I have a teenage daughter who is visually impaired with autism. I have an adult daughter. And I have the most beautiful little grandson you've ever seen.  I may be depressed. And yeah I might feel like giving up sometimes.  But I do not want to miss a single day with these children God has blessed me with.

I'm looking forward to seeing the Sisters in the order again.  I am so grateful for their spiritual formation and guidance.. they help me remember that God has got this. And that no matter how bad things may get that I am a child of God. And his Divine Mercy is infinite.

So what will happen with this Ghost of Christmas Past showing up? I really don't know.  I would rather sweep it under the rug and pretend I don't know.  It hurts less that way.  And this ghost certainly does not deserve one second of my attention.  I left that in the past and that's where it needs to stay.

And my death that will come about one day as it will to all of us... Will I be missed?  Did my life even make a difference?  What will they say about me after I'm gone?  That I had a screw loose? One thing I sincerely hope that they do say... Is that I loved my Lord, I love my husband, I love my children and grandchildren. I love my family and friends. I tried my best. I honestly did my best to help when and where I could.  I was never perfect never claimed to be.. I was not a perfect wife or a perfect mom.  But I did the best that I could with the knowledge that I had at that moment of my life.  

RULES FOR EVERY WOMAN..

Rules For Life, For Every Woman ... because WE DESERVE to KNOW that WE MATTER
Many of us fight depression and anxiety..  and many other things.  Life, people, situations try to tear us down.  And we sabotage ourselves.  We deserve better.  We deserve joy.  

1. Make your bed every day; even if it's right before you get in it.  Also, try and shower every day. No matter how depressed you may be.  Take care of YOU.. or you won't be able to care for anyone else.

2. Find your tribe and love them hard. True friends are hard to find. But remember that some are only there for a season.  Move on. It's okay.  Trust in Our Lord.  He sees the big picture.

3. Travel light through life. Keep only what you need.  God provides.  

4. Put butter on your biscuit, and twice as much when you miss the person who loves you.

5. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt. It’s also okay to smash things; but, wash your face, clean your mess, and get up off the floor when you’re done. You don’t belong down there.

6. If you’re going to curse, be clever. If you’re going to curse in public, know your audience.  Just don't take the Lord's name in vain, or be blasphemous.

7. Spiritual formation is awesome.  Find a group.  Go every week.  Never stop striving for holiness.  

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

9. 5-second rule. It’s just dirt. There are worse things in a fast food cheeseburger.

10. Happiness is not a permanent state. Wholeness is. Don’t confuse these.

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack your bag.

12. Never walk through an alley.

13. Be less sugar, more spice, and as nice as you’re able to without compromising yourself.  Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.  

14. Can’t is a cop-out.  

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.  They're people too.  No different from you.  If their standards aren't where they should be ...  they don't deserve your admiration.

16. If you can’t smile with your eyes, don’t smile. And HUG like you mean it, full arm, full circle, put some strength in it. No half arm, shoulder taps. Insincerity is nothing to aspire to. Half hugs DON'T COUNT.

17. Never lie to yourself.

18. Keep God first. Always.  Even if you end up losing your life for your faith!  What's the worse that can happen? You would be with Jesus!!  Faith and family first. Always.

19. If you have an opinion, you better know why.

20. Your home is your Domestic Church.  Never forget that.

21. Ask for what you want. The worst thing they can say is no. 

22. Wish on stars and dandelions, then get to work to make them happen.  Prayer is powerful!

23. Don’t skimp on good sheets. Fer realsies.

24. Fall in love often. Particularly with ideas, art, music, literature, food and far-off places.  Fall in love with our Lord the most.  Keep Him first above all things.

25. Fall hard and forever in love with yourself.  You're a child of the King!

26. Say Please, Thank You, and Pardon Me, whenever the situation warrants it.   

27. Reserve I’m sorry for when you truly are. Be sincere.

28. Naps are for grown-ups, too.

29. Question everything.. even things you see and hear.  Things can be quite deceiving.  The devil has nothing better to do than to lie to you, and try and trick and confuse you.  Yep... he's a jerk.

30. You have enough. You ARE enough.  Live simply, and live with love.

31. You are amazing! Don't let anyone ever make you feel you are not. If someone does....walk away. You deserve better.

32. To my daughters... no matter where you are, you can always come home.  To my family, church family, and my Ya-Yas... my door is ALWAYS open to you.  I love you all!

33. Be happy, say your prayers always and remember your roots.  

34. Say what you mean and mean what you say.   You're IN this world.  Your not OF this world.  Heaven is your true home.

35: Love every furry creature and treat them kindly. All life is sacred.  All is precious.

36: To my daughters..Please never forget Momma loves you.  I have never been perfect, but I tried my best, and I always put y'all first.  To my Ya-Yas..  you're my heart sisters.  To all who help me spiritually, I am forever grateful.  

Integrity

Old Smut Face has ways of reaching out his gnarled freakish evil extended fingers into any and all situations.  He also sends spies.   My circle of WHOM I ACTUALLY TRUST just got dramatically smaller.  Be a friend to my face. Yet, be a gossip and tale bearer behind my back.  Go ahead.  What do you think your gossipy little compadres are saying about you?  Behind YOUR back?

I'm NOT interested in gossip.  I'm not interested in any of it.  Oh, I used to be right in the thick of it.  I admit it.  And no, I'm not proud of that.  But I did learn... and at least I'm adult enough to admit it.  And I'm not mad.  Honest.  Hurt a little? Oh yeah.  That I am.  But drawing in further to my bubble.  I'm not perfect.  But at least I'm honest about it.

Loving your neighbour..  that I can do.  Doesn't mean falling for their fake friendship.  Lies.  Backstabbing.  Etc.   Omitting truths is the same as lying, in case there was some confusion.  

So yes.  I'm aware of spies.  Those tools of the devil.  I just don't say anything.  When you finally notice I've pulled back... and quit being such a happy puppy around you... maybe then you'll figure it out.  Maybe.  Pride does blind you, after all.

Being a happy puppy has not done me any good.  It's set me up.  Made me an easy target.  Made me easy to use.  Not every nutcase is going to be as obvious as a crybaby public rant.  Some actually (the ones with brains) have sense enough to keep it private.  At least the loud dumb ones you can SEE coming.  Because they like the show.  The love the audience and pitifully, crave the attention.  It's sad really.

The quiet sneaky ones..  that's the ones who have to be careful about.  It's like unwilling playing a game you've never played before.  You aren't quite sure what the next move is going to be, and the rules (to them) don't matter.  

I'm not playing their stupid game.  You're either my friend or you're not.  It's really pretty simple.  Stop the pretending.  If I wanted drama, I'd go back to junior high.  Which evidently is where some folks are perpetually stuck.  Geez you're not 14 anymore.  For your own sakes.  Graduate yourself out of there. Grow up.  Start acting like an adult.  Hold yourself to a higher standard.  Learn what integrity means. 

My friends.  My real friends are precious and few.  They matter.  They count.  They don't play these stupid games because they can't stand the b.s., and the drama.  They actually have adult lives to live, with adult responsibilities.  They know right from wrong.  They have integrity.  They're not fake.  They ARE genuine.  I'd rather have but ONE single friend in the whole world, then be surrounded by fakes with no integrity.

Forgiving

Everybody talks about forgiveness, but
 I think we can all agree... it is not always easy.
 Pride is not a friend to anybody.  Pride whispers in your ear.  It embellishes on any and all hurts..  blows things out of proportion.  It can take one comment, maybe one that you don't agree with, and the devil (old smut face) whispers in your ear and now you believe its a personal attack.  He's a jerk, isn't he?  The devil needs to be throat punched.  Hosed down with a super soaker full of Holy Water.  Forget the super soaker.  We need an oversized firehose out for that creep.

He splits families.  He destroys friendships.  He convinces you to skip church, skip prayers, harbour resentment, have hard feelings, hold grudges, turn up your nose and not speak.  He is a master at plugging your ears, so you can't hear any other voice but your own.  He tells you how great you are.  It's always everyone else's fault.  If ONLY other people understood/got it/ weren't such goody two shoes/ nauseatingly self righteous/ stupid/ ignorant/..  pick one!!  Yep.  He's seriously a jerk.

Do you hold grudges?  I will be the first to admit that I have.  If they were giving away Olympic Medals for grudge holding, I promise you I'd be a gold medallist.  More than once.  I'm talking the Miss Universe of grudge holding.  No... I'm not proud.  But I gave it up.  For realsies.  I've got enough gray hair, thank you.  (That's also from worry, but that's another blog entry for another day).  

I am, like everyone else on God's green planet, a work in progress.  I don't get everything right.  Never will.  I'm not perfect.  Far, FAR from it!!!  But... I recently had a small epiphany.  And no, it certainly did NOT come from me.  I'm not that smart, nor that deep.  LOL

Someone I've been upset with... well..  me being upset with them wasn't hurting anyone else but me.  

Notable point: (gleaned from someone else, and I'm convinced this is straight from the Holy Spirit.

No matter WHAT you're doing/ not doing.. whatever the situation...  you have TWO choices.

You choose God, or you don't. 

BAM!!

Forgiveness... that's choosing God.  My silly feelings/ego blah blah blah..  big whup, ya know?  I'm over here like SERIOUSLY... who CARES??!!   Let it GO. (Please God, no songs from Frozen)  GIVE IT ALL TO GOD!!  Seriously?  All we do is mess everything up anyway.  And stupid Smut Face all whispering in our ears 24/7!!??

  Tell Smut Face to EAT HIS OWN POISON!!  

Let go.  Give everything to God.  Trust in Him.
And that person who hurt your widdle feewings?   FORGIVE them!!  Give it to God.  HE knows just what to do.  He's got this!!  

Your going to have rough/bad/crummy/irritation/someone needs to be high fived in the face with a chair days.  We all do!!  It's up to US to remember our two choices.  Choose God? Or not?  He gave us free will.  Your choice.  The ball is officially in your court.    You're not always going to get it right.  But fortunately, God always does.  

PAX!!

This is dedicated... to the friend who blocked me..

To my friend who has blocked my family...

Posting solid information on my own Facebook wall backed up with legit, solid links, photographic evidence from a reputable source we all believe in, and posted IN LOVE and NOT judgement, is no reason to be angry and rant about me, personally, in a public forum.  I'm sorry you disliked my post.  It was NOT directed at you.  I shared information out of love. Not judgement . I left out my own personal opinions... I called no one by name.  I posted links videos and some photos from some reputable sources.  I posted this because it is important to get this information out.  Because I love and care about family and friends.

 Without a single reply to me, either to my post, or even privately, I was hung out to dry by you and your friends, on your page... I was even called names.  And I watched in silent horror and sadness as you were encouraged in your anger by your friends, who only know your side.  I stayed silent. But I was heartbroken.

I remained silent also back during the election, when you blocked my 23 yr old daughter, and her husband, (who had nothing to do with it), because you couldn't just agree to disagree politically with someone half your age.  You blocked my child.  Over politics.  I stayed silent.  You did the same thing on your wall that time too.  About my child.  I said nothing.  And believe me, it wasn't easy.

That hurt me DEEPLY.  But I stayed out of it.  Four months later I messaged you privately, trying to reach out. I was tired of the silence and the hurt.  Hoping bygones could be bygones.  I missed you.  I wanted to tell you we loved and missed you.  That Pride did NOT need to win one single day more.  Anything said or done (regardless of who said what was irrelevant) was in the past.  That we loved you like FAMILY... You said you'd reply.  "When you had time".  After a month, you still had not replied.  Though you'd been online many, many times. Including when my daughter and her husband vacationed out West, taking selfies as they enjoyed their first vacation together as man and wife.... you AGAIN made unkind comments... implying narcissism.  And again I said nothing.  And my letter to you, that I wrote you, in love, willing to put aside all the pain and hurt feelings, in my willingness to let all that go.. was deleted by you.  And now I'm blocked too, right along with my adult daughter and her husband.

Facts:  The Italian Saint, Padre Pio, is NOT "Sedevacantist".  Nor did he "spout hogwash".  I'm shocked, frankly, that you'd say that.  Yes.  He's the one who told about the 3 days of darkness.  I tend to believe a holy priest who had the ability read souls, and had the gift of the stigmata.  http://www.ewtn.com/v/experts/showmessage.asp?number=326829

Sacramentals are gifts given to us. Priests use holy water, chrism oil, and so on in holy mass.  It's common for Catholics to have statutes and sacramentals in our homes... our Domestic Church.  They are not "just there to make you look holier than you really are".   https://www.catholicsacramentals.org
 As far as statues... YOU have statues!!  In your house!!  I've seen them.  I think they're beautiful.

Veiling:  whether you do or don't is none of my business.  It's between each of us, individually, and God.  It does not make you holier.  Or less holy.  We are all sinners regardless.  The sisters are veiled.  Half the ladies at mass veil.

Asking/demanding answers:   unless you're my kid, that's NEVER happened.  I don't feel I should have to explain myself to others, and nor should they have to explain themselves to me.  I'm NOT a judge.  I'm not God.  I'm not a priest.

You and I have had some wonderful conversations over the years.  We shared views, even ones when we didn't agree.  But we loved each other enough, to agree to disagree.  Like adults.  I have NEVER called you names or run you down publicly.  But now you've stated that I've "harassed you for years"??!!  Seriously??!!

I've never doubted your faith.  I've never in my life even insinuated that you were not Catholic.

Cooking:  I don't buy your food.  I don't CARE what you cook... or why, or how.  Seriously.  I have my own menu for my own family... that's just silly.

You don't have to answer to anyone other than God, your priest, and your husband.  And same for the rest of us.  I have my own family to worry about. What you do is YOUR business.  Please don't accuse me of otherwise.

You want me to "tend my own garden".  I WAS.  I posted something on MY wall.  Not directed at you.  You know, if you didn't like it, you could have ignored it, or talked to me privately.  What I posted, was post in love, not judgement, I kept my own opinion out of it.  I was sharing important, information regarding spiritual warfare.  Because I care more about the souls of my family and friends than I do my popularity... or lack thereof.   If you agreed or not was your choice.  I knew not everyone would like it.  But the name calling was going too far.  I've read PLENTY on social media that has annoyed/angered me.  But I ignored it.  We all have a right to our opinions.  And we have freedom of speech.  But I don't run my mouth and bash about in on a public forum.  Oh sure, I get mad.  But I CHOOSE to ignore it and move on.  However when I'm being called names... and the topic of discussion... I have trouble ignoring that. BUT I didn't fight with you about it.  I didn't slam you back on my wall.  I just tried to ignore the ugliness.

I'm not angry.  I'm sad.  And I'm hurt.  But again, this isn't about me.  I hope one day you can get past your anger.  I'll be here waiting.  I meant what I said in my letter 2 months ago.  Pride won again.  Let bygones be bygones.  We can't keep letting pride win.  The past is in the past.  Dust in the wind.  Friendship is bigger than ego.

I pray one day this is something we will laugh over.  And I'm posting this here, since you've blocked me I have no other way to contact you.

Love you!!