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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Whiny Warning & Vicoden


Hernia number four is hurting me.  Yes.  You read that right.  This is my 4th...  I've had one hiatal and two umbilical.  This is another umbilical.  I have had it quite a while, and it's a biggie.  I actually look pregnant.  I wish I was, but I'm not.  My Lord... it's REALLY hurting.. it has for days now.  I detest taking Vicoden, as it makes me sick as a dog... but last night I had to pop one in half just for some relief.  A half isn't too bad.  I snuggled in bed and watched Rio with my youngest til I fell asleep... at 5 am. :(    Never had that happen before with Vicoden... (though admittedly I can count on one hand how many I've taken one of these pills in my entire life)  so anyway I have no idea what the deal was/is.

Whiners get on everyone's nerves, including mine.   I am not an unsympathetic person, but if someone constantly complains, I get annoyed and though I try not to be rude, I honestly get sick of hearing it.   Now guess what... now *I* am the whiner!   I am miserable.  It's taking away from my quality of life.  I missed out on Stand For Life because of this stupid thing.  Anything and everything I do is painful, because of this infernal hernia.   I try not to complain to my family, as my husband is already worried about me and I don't want to make it worse.  My parents have health problems, and I don't want to worry them or add to it.  They do know about it... but I try not to talk about it... and I keep it to myself.  What good does worrying anyone do?  None.

I have been told by anyone and everyone "just go get that fixed!"   This is not just taking an antibiotic or slapping a band-aid on something.   The fact of the matter is, surgery is expensive.  I don't want to add financial burden to my family... (yes of course I have insurance but I'll still end up paying at least a thousand bucks out of pocket and you know they always want their money up front... and do I LOOK rich to you?  Trust me I'm not.)  Okay and who am I kidding... I am a coward.  I've had this surgery before and it HURTS!!!!   I have a huge fear of NOT WAKING UP.   Okay fine I've said it.. it's out there.   I have two kids... okay one is basically grown but my little one needs me... she is only 11 years old and she needs me.  I homeschool her... and she is a special needs child... she NEEDS me!!  I am scared to death.  I know I can't put this off forever and I need to have it done but I have a real, honest to God fear of not waking up from the anesthesia.  I had the fear before too of course, and yes obviously I didn't kick the bucket then... but I had the fear then and I have it now too... I think even worse than before.   

I already have that metal mesh junk inside me, where they had to patch the previous ones... that and a plastic tube AND a port.  I feel like I'm like "The Terminator" on the inside but to the world I just look like a fat middle aged lady with a big old hernia.  I hate it.   Coughing hurts.   The stupid thing sticks out and I have a bad habit of bumping it on everything... such as the pew at church, the wooden side of the bed, and more.  And that makes something that already hurts... hurt WORSE! :(

So why am I being such a whiney whiner and posting all this?  Because I needed to say it.  I need some prayer...  please?   All I can think to say is that I am in pain and I'm scared and I have enough things in my life to worry me without ME being part of the problem.  How can I help anyone else if I can't do a darn thing without eating pain pills?  I guess I am feeling sorry for myself.  I like to help people... I like being the "helper", not the "help-ee".   God help me though... I need prayer.   Friends, if you can find a moment sometime to just say one small little prayer for me, I'd really, really appreciate it.  And thank you too, for reading this and tolerating my complaining.   Yes, I will be taking another Vicoden very shortly.... :(

4 comments:

  1. Lots of prayers, Susan! God bless.

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  2. I am afraid of anesthesia too! Which is why I put off gall bladder surgery for years and ended with a golf ball size gall stone pulled through my belly button! I was so afraid that I would die and miss my daughters wedding, not see grandchildren etc... I know the fear which makes a person put up with a lot of discomfort. I will keep you in my prayers, Susan. I am so familiar with what you are experiencing. God Bless You!

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  3. Thanks so much!! It's good to know that someone else understands! You said it all exactly! I want to see Robyn grow up... I don't want to miss growing old with Mark, grandchildren one day... all those things we look forward to!

    OUCH!! That was a HUGE gall stone! You poor thing oh my goodness that makes me wince just thinking about it!! I have had kidney stones but not gall stones. I've been fortunate so far with the gall bladder but with my track record of kidney stones and hernia I am not holding my breath that it won't too give me trouble down the line. Lord, I hope not. Goodness me, I don't want to invite any trouble! :) LOL Thanks so much Susan. :) ((((hugs))) Hahahaaaaa us "Sues" and "Susan's"... we gals have to stick together! :)
    <3 <3 <3

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