Hernia number four is hurting me. Yes. You read that right. This is my 4th... I've had one hiatal and two umbilical. This is another umbilical. I have had it quite a while, and it's a biggie. I actually look pregnant. I wish I was, but I'm not. My Lord... it's REALLY hurting.. it has for days now. I detest taking Vicoden, as it makes me sick as a dog... but last night I had to pop one in half just for some relief. A half isn't too bad. I snuggled in bed and watched Rio with my youngest til I fell asleep... at 5 am. :( Never had that happen before with Vicoden... (though admittedly I can count on one hand how many I've taken one of these pills in my entire life) so anyway I have no idea what the deal was/is.
Whiners get on everyone's nerves, including mine. I am not an unsympathetic person, but if someone constantly complains, I get annoyed and though I try not to be rude, I honestly get sick of hearing it. Now guess what... now *I* am the whiner! I am miserable. It's taking away from my quality of life. I missed out on Stand For Life because of this stupid thing. Anything and everything I do is painful, because of this infernal hernia. I try not to complain to my family, as my husband is already worried about me and I don't want to make it worse. My parents have health problems, and I don't want to worry them or add to it. They do know about it... but I try not to talk about it... and I keep it to myself. What good does worrying anyone do? None.
I have been told by anyone and everyone "just go get that fixed!" This is not just taking an antibiotic or slapping a band-aid on something. The fact of the matter is, surgery is expensive. I don't want to add financial burden to my family... (yes of course I have insurance but I'll still end up paying at least a thousand bucks out of pocket and you know they always want their money up front... and do I LOOK rich to you? Trust me I'm not.) Okay and who am I kidding... I am a coward. I've had this surgery before and it HURTS!!!! I have a huge fear of NOT WAKING UP. Okay fine I've said it.. it's out there. I have two kids... okay one is basically grown but my little one needs me... she is only 11 years old and she needs me. I homeschool her... and she is a special needs child... she NEEDS me!! I am scared to death. I know I can't put this off forever and I need to have it done but I have a real, honest to God fear of not waking up from the anesthesia. I had the fear before too of course, and yes obviously I didn't kick the bucket then... but I had the fear then and I have it now too... I think even worse than before.
I already have that metal mesh junk inside me, where they had to patch the previous ones... that and a plastic tube AND a port. I feel like I'm like "The Terminator" on the inside but to the world I just look like a fat middle aged lady with a big old hernia. I hate it. Coughing hurts. The stupid thing sticks out and I have a bad habit of bumping it on everything... such as the pew at church, the wooden side of the bed, and more. And that makes something that already hurts... hurt WORSE! :(
So why am I being such a whiney whiner and posting all this? Because I needed to say it. I need some prayer... please? All I can think to say is that I am in pain and I'm scared and I have enough things in my life to worry me without ME being part of the problem. How can I help anyone else if I can't do a darn thing without eating pain pills? I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. I like to help people... I like being the "helper", not the "help-ee". God help me though... I need prayer. Friends, if you can find a moment sometime to just say one small little prayer for me, I'd really, really appreciate it. And thank you too, for reading this and tolerating my complaining. Yes, I will be taking another Vicoden very shortly.... :(