Being But a Fragment

Dealing with depression, not just over many years, but recently...  especially these last 3 and a half months has... well... sucked.  Not that it's 'ever' a barrel of laughs.  It's not.  

Oh, I've heard all the "advice", "well just pull yourself up by your bootstraps", or "snap out of it" or "quit wallowing in self-pity" or implying that it's something that one can control if you only just put forth the effort.  The one that irks me the most is when people look upon it as some sort of personality flaw.  Another "favorite" is that I am "only depressed because" I'm "fat".  

Oh, Lovely...thanks...... well sheesh, being "fat", (whether or not you are won't matter a fig if you 'think' you are), is enough to depress anyone.  Way to spread the love.  

But here's the thing... I suffered from depression when I was "small" too.  Blew THAT brilliant idea right out of the water, didn't it?  Depression is a worldwide epidemic.  It knows not race, color, creed, financial bracket... or weight. 

The panic attacks are at an obnoxious high.. and lately, almost daily.  Painful.  Frightening.  "fight or flight" kicks in...I've about had my fill of those.  Then, there are the 'lows'.  I got so LOW Saturday night that I just sat out on my front porch and gazed up at the moon and just let the tears run... I don't know how long I was out there.. over an hour at least.   I considered so many things.  Like just walking off... disappearing along into the night.  

And other things.  

Unhealthy things.  Instead I came back inside, did some laundry, and went to bed.  Woulda woke up and got to howling every dog in the neighborhood anyway.  Definitely not the most subtle way to 'disappear'.  

But, "disappearing" I am...  Truly I am a fragment of my former self.   Somewhere, I've lost parts of myself...  

Last night (Sunday night), I had it in my head I was going to start fasting.  And today, I've done nothing but the absolute opposite of that.  

But later that evening.... at last, some redemption, no matter how brief....  I will gratefully take this  much needed reprieve.. depression is like a shadow.. it always sneaks in at the merest hint of a cloud.  

Now today (Monday) is our wedding anniversary, and he's at work.   And our kids are doing their own things...   

My mom had chemo again today.  I talked to her earlier.   She sounded okay.  Just tired.   Found out a friend I had years ago lost her mother today.   Sad news.  I really liked her mom.   She was always really nice.   It brought back memories of losing Stephanie.   So, again tonight, I had a few tears... not the 'hard' crying like Sunday night... just sad, 'memory' tears.  

Hubby gets off work in a half hour.  Yay. :)  And we'll do something to celebrate this Saturday to make up for it.  In the meantime, I will do some baking, and see what I can do to get my mind busy... maybe string some beads.  And do a craft with Robyn.  Sounds good to me.

U.S. Intelligence is storing your information longer

U.S. Intelligence is storing your information longer


Anyone else find this completely creepy?

You may be completely innocent. “Terrorism” may be just a word you've heard on television. But new guidelines have just been approved by the Obama administration that will allow the U.S. intelligence community to store your information for up to five years, even if you have no clear ties to terrorism.

"I don't want other people knowing my business,” said Kathleen Aten.

Under the old guidelines, the National Counter terrorism Center (NCTC) had to destroy your information promptly, generally within 180 days, if there was no connection to terrorism found.

The new rules are making a lot of you uncomfortable.

"Get rid of my information. Don't keep it in a database. It doesn't need to be there,” said Aten.

Many are asking, does this go too far?

We took that question to retired FBI agent Dale Carson. He says more checks and balances are needed in the system.

"This is preemptive. This is investigating people beforehand. It needs to be reviewed by an independent magistrate or and independent party.”

Carson says it's unclear what type of information they have and where they're getting it from. He also brought up the possibility of the system being hacked.

"Does your banker have access to this information? Does your employer have access to this information? What about your neighbor down the street who does not like you,” Carson asked.

The Obama administration said the new rules do come with strong safeguards for privacy and civil liberties. They say before the NCTC can obtain data, there is a high-level review to assure that it is “likely to contain significant terrorism information.”

But Aten can’t help but feel concerned.

“The less places my information is the better it is for me.”

The new guidelines have been in the works for more than a year. On Thursday, Attorney General Eric Holder gave them the seal of approval.

Being a Southern Belle...

I am Southern gal, born and raised.  I am very proud of my Southern Heritage, and yes, I 'do' have a Southern accent... which has been described as sounding like Paula Deen.  


I did not write these little funnies below... I don't know who did, honestly.  I've seen them many, many times, and they always make me smile.  So if y'all haven't ever read these before, now is your chance. :)






Southern English Dictionary

This basic vocabulary guide to our language down here is offered as a gesture of our hospitality to visiting Northerners who truly want to be able to understand what it is that we're saying.

Ah - The pronoun "I." i.e., "Ah done did that."
Ah'd - Contraction of I would. i.e., "Ah'd ruther be out huntin'."
Ah'll - Contraction of I will. i.e., "Think Ah'll mosey on down to the lake fer sum fishin."
buggy - A shopping cart.
daid - Dead. i.e., "They had to bury Billy Bob's dog 'cause he wuz daid."
fat - A physical confronrtation usually involving fists, but not always. i.e., "You youngins' best stop fatin' or I'm gonna whup your lil asses."
fer - For.
git - Get.
j'yoo - Did you? (Begins a question), i.e., "J'yoo go huntin' in Butcher Holler yesterday?"
mayrd - Married. i.e., "I heard that Bubba and Mary Jo got mayrd last week."
nanner puddin' - Bannana pudding.
Nawlins - Largest city in Louisiana. Known for it's jazz music and Mardi Gra Festival.
ruther - Rather.
snipe hunt - A practical joke that Southerners sometimes play on dumb Northerners.  (I am guilty of this.)  :)
sum - Some. i.e., "Want sum of my chewin' tabakki?"
tabakki - Tobacco.
thang - Thing.
thar - There.
ustacould - Used to be able to, i.e., "Bubba ustacould sing til' he got that frog in his throat."
whar - Where.
wuz - Was. i.e., "I wuz goin' to work today, but I think I'll lay out and go do sum fishin.'"
whup - To beat up. i.e., "Ifn's you knock my accent one more time, I'm gonna whup yore ass." Also, it can be used in the context of making something: i.e., "I'm a gitten hungry, think ahl whup up sumthin' to eat.
yawl - Contraction for you all. Sometimes written as y'all.
yonder - Afar. At a great distance. i.e., "Hey look over yonder! Bubba's a fixin' to drive his four-wheeler through that bog.
yore - Your.
youngin - A child. plural: youngins.

Southern Language Usage Guide

This part of the Southern Language guide has been prepared to provide non-Southern people a guide to the peculiar way we Southrons paraphrase and colloquialise thangs down here.

The Proper Use of "Bless His/Her Heart" and "Swanee"
(Original author unknown) (and yes I say both of these)

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence."

There are also the sneakier ones that I remember from tongue clucking types of my childhood: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they got married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds!"

As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad, at least that's what my Great Aunt Tiny (bless her heart, she was anything but tiny) used to say. I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling me about her new Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" said my friend. "A child of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bagels down here.

The ones who really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. It's as if they want to bury it in the "Hee Haw" cornfield. We've already lost too much.

I was raised to swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much"; "right close"or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am fixin to do somethin'. My personal favorite was uttered by my aunt who said, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: (shame on you!) take a dose of redeye gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin to have classes on Southernese as a second language!

Bye Bye Y'all!
Bless your hearts.

Thangs A True Southerner Knows

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, or how many fish make up a mess.

A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of cattywumpus.

A true Southerner knows exactly how long directly is, as in "Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.

True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and nanner puddin'.)

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference in length between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."

True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'white trash.

True Southerners know that fixin' can be used both as a noun, verb and adverb.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

Middle-earth Recipes - recipes for Hobbits and Elves

Middle-earth Recipes - recipes for Hobbits and Elves: "Middle-earth Recipes"


Posted here so I don't lose it. :)

Stress.......

Okay I am warning you-all up front that this post is nothing but me complaining//whining//venting.  So feel free to ignore... it won't hurt my feelings one iota.

I had something "HUGE" and devastating dumped on me, mid-January.  I have not handled it well.  No.  I don't want to talk about it.  Not to anyone.  I just want it to go away.  

Also.  New contract coming up at my hubby's job in two months, and already, the mind games have commenced... resulting in an extremely stressed out hubby.   Stressed hubby adds to my stress.  Big time.  And trust me, I've already got plenty enough already.

If one more person tells me to "not worry", I am going to knock their block off.  Or tell me I have "nothing I need to stress myself out about".  Oh. Shut. Up.

Everyone has their cross to bear.  Mine is nothing compared to many, and I am fully aware of that.  I blame myself for my own failings, and feel I've missed the boat on raising my oldest daughter with a strong faith... and now with all the stress I am not being a good example for neither her or my younger daughter.  And when they don't "succeed" at something, I blame myself for it.  After all, I am their mother and I am the one responsible for them and have been for 18 and a half years.  I've missed the boat.  I've not done "good enough", and knowing that pretty well sucks.  All I can do now, is the best I can.. and I am just not sure it's good enough.

My parents in bad health... a stressed out husband... dealing with what was dropped into my lap in January... losing some of our income, and the possibility of a lay-off... has my stress through the roof.  More "pious" people tell me that I should just 'trust God' and "give it to Him" and that to 'worry' is me "being prideful//sinful".  Maybe so.  But telling me how sinful I am right now isn't really helping.  And the last thing I need is "finger pointing".   I've already got a "finger pointing friend" and she is so "good" at pointing out my weak points, that trust me, she doesn't need anyone's help.

Adding to this... Right or wrong, I am only allowing a few friends "in" right now.. and even then it is limited.  Sorry but getting burned repeatedly gets old.. and you learn to flinch.   Last week I was stupid, (again) and trusted a certain someone's word.  Geez, will I EVER learn?  Of course this person didn't follow through.  AGAIN.  And people wonder why I've developed trust issues.  Duh.

I know that "this too shall pass" and that we'll get past these hurdles. I KNOW that.  But gosh, it just seems to take so long sometimes...  I try and look at the good things... and be thankful for all God has blessed us with.  Sometimes that's all can cling to...    These "rough patches" seriously stink.  And yes I am aware that I am my own worst critic.  Aren't we all?   

Time to be Polly-Anna again, and play the "Glad Game".  As I tuck further into my Catholic Bubble, pulling away from the world more... I am thankful for my handful of lovely friends who are Catholic Moms like me... who are in their own Catholic Bubbles with their own struggles... their own crosses to bear.  I love them dearly.. and they remind me that I am not alone.   Even if we don't talk as often as we'd like.. or see each other very often... and some are local and "here", and then some (online friends) I've never even met.... but each special and wonderful in their own ways... and just knowing they are there... I am thankful.  We all pray for each other... it goes without saying.. 

Dear Lord, please help me to remember.. that I am blessed beyond measure.  And your Divine Mercy knows no boundaries, and no end.  Amen.

+JMJ+

First Ever, Tridentine Mass....

I woke up at 5:30 a.m. today, wide awake.  I considered the sun coming up, and how lovely it would be to go to the early mass with my girls.  We got ourselves ready, and headed downtown to our parish... a beautiful, gothic style with stained glass... the building is over a hundred years old...   we pulled in.   I had secured our veils with bobby pins before leaving the house, so we hurried inside as the bells rang.

As a convert, I've only attended the "regular" masses... all English.  One Sunday a month, Father does the mass in Latin.  I am *always* lost.  Not only do I not know Latin... sorry but the book doesn't help me.  I get lost anyway.  But even though I always feel a little lost and kind of dumb, I love the beauty of it.. and even if my 'ears' don't understand the Latin.. I am confident that my soul does.

So my girls and I file in, and then within a few minutes mass begins.  I am a regular veil wearer at mass, and as I look around I am pleased to see most of the ladies are veiled.  For once I don't feel odd.

The mass has started.  Father has his back to us, but is facing the alter.. the Tabernacle.  He's facing Jesus.  I remember in things I've read that this is traditionally how mass was... I notice his vestments... and I notice that the whole mass is Latin... and though I do feel dumb for not understanding it... somehow it feels more beautiful... I can't explain why.

Listening to words my ears don't understand, and on the kneeler, I look up at the Crucifix, and notice the beautiful lilies around it, and the purple hues...  absolutely gorgeous.  We were on the kneelers a LOT more at this mass than usual, but again, it felt right.

After Father Consecrates the bread and the wine, and now they are the Body and Blood of Jesus... and we all start filing forward for Holy Communion...  and to my amazement, everyone is going down and kneeling at the rail.   Huh?  What are they doing?

I felt confused.  I felt my face getting red.  I kept watching.  I have always been one who receives on the tongue, as I feel I am not worthy to touch His Body.  I have always wanted to receive kneeling, but my physical body is unable... so I always just bow... and it has grieved me for a long time that I could not kneel.  So here are these people all lining up on this long alter rail, and Father walks down and gives Holy Communion to all of them, on their tongues.  Oh no.  I'm now at the front.  When in Rome, do as the Romans.  Right?

So I go to the rail and kneel.  It feels awkward.  My shoes are trying to slip off my feet, so I curl my toes so they won't fall off.  Next to me, I hear a thud.  One of my 11-year olds' shoes just fell off.  I whisper to her to curl her toes so they won't fall off again.  I am not sure what else to do.  My eldest, who has been in martial arts for the last eleven years, has no problem keeping her shoes on her feet.   

Father came to each of us, placing Jesus on our tongues... and we went back to our pew and resumed our spot on the kneeler.   All I could think of...  I had FINALLY received Jesus ON MY KNEES!!   Beautiful.  Just... beautiful...

I am not saying that I am going to go to the Tridentine every week now.  I think it is lovely to go to though.  I just wish I didn't feel so awkward with the Latin... but it is beautiful.... I 'get' why people love it so much.  There is such a beauty to this mass... well, to EVERY mass.. but this one has a 'special' beauty... 

Yes, I am a convert.  I have attended church services at different churches/beliefs in my life prior to my conversion.    I love my faith.  I love the Church.  I just can't imagine ever leaving it, going against it, or wanting anything different.   The Holy Mass is such an gift to us.  Sometimes, it's lovely just to be still, and to be thankful.

+JMJ+

Things I Do Not Do...

I read another bloggers post with this title, and it inspired me to post my own version.  

I do not clean my kids rooms.  When they were little I did... but once they learned to pick up their own toys and pull the comforter straight, I stopped.  

I do not rake leaves.  I encourage my hubby, kids, and anyone else to also not rake leaves.  My feeling is that God knows better than we do what the earth (which He Created), needs.  Leaves are a natural protectant barrier for grass and plants.  When it's Spring, you can mulch it all in... it's good for the yard.  I think people fuss too much with having a "perfect" yard.  A yard, to me, is an outdoor living room.  Where my kids swing and play.  Where I can sit in the shade and read.  Where we can pick fruit and look for birds nests. 

I do not thoroughly, "medically", "clean" my house.  Our house is not "dirty"... but it tends to get cluttered.   Because there are four of us here, plus pets, and our children do not attend school.  Our home is where we live & learn.  Not where I show off.  My kitchen is usually at least a little cluttered, since I'm usually cooking... baking bread, or simmering something in a pot.  I love to cook, and I cook every single day.  What else is out?  Doggie toys, my kids toys, art supplies, and lots of books.  With all of this, there is always a perpetual amount of clutter.  Do I care?  Nope!  Better Homes and Gardens is not on their way out to do a photo shoot.  Hahaahaaa!

I do not give my kids 'tests' on spelling, math, or anything else.  If I wanted them tested, I'd put them in the government-run schools.  No thanks.  If you work at something until you've 'got it', then what's the point of the test?   Example.  Years ago, when I was first learning to bake, I made pan after pan of "hockey pucks". Through trial and error, I learned to make delicious, light fluffy biscuits.  I am glad no one wanted to test me.  You want a test?  Eat one of my fresh hot biscuits.  LOL 

I do not have a "best" friend.  As an adult, I've had two close friends that I loved like sisters..... one died...  and one, well... we "divorced".   I attempted to have a close friend one more time after that... but I was apparently too eccentric for her.. I guess.  I do have some lovely friends... but... am a little gun-shy about getting "too close" again. 

I do not swim in public.   I don't even wear shorts out to the mailbox.  Nope.. not me!  

I do not like snakes or bugs..  or spiders.  Or crossing major bridges... or going into malls.  I don't like confrontations.

I do not like heat.  Second generation Florida Native...  and "no", I am not "used to" the heat.  If it were merely heat, that would be one thing.  But temps of 105F with 100% humidity are horrific and unfit for humans in my oh-so-humble opinion.  I do, however, dearly love our central air conditioner.   Heat and humidity make Florida a beautiful place to live.  I will admire it from my window until the temp is lower, thank you. :)

I do not "wear the pants" in our family.  I wear the skirt.  The pants are for my husband.  He is the head of our family.  I like my 'job' as wife much better anyway. :)   It is my vocation and I am happy in it.

Treasures and Collections

Over the years, I've collected different things.  I've collected angels, nuns, postcards, rocks, shells, beads, buttons, kitcheny things of a lemon theme, coins from all over the world, (I keep them in a piggy bank and refer to them as "funny-money")...  and I even collect troll dolls.  

My biggest collection though, I have to say, is books.  I love books.  I have books I've never even read, I have so many!   We have 4 bookshelves in our home, and my girls each have a small one in their rooms.  I am going to 'weed out' the small ones, and replace them with larger bookshelves.  In addition to the bookshelves already bulging with books, I have at least 5 stacks of books hidden in corners... stacks of books I have no room for, yet could not pass up.  One of the stacks is around 2 ft. tall, stacked neatly next to my very full magazine rack.

So what kinds of books do I have?  Lots of cookbooks.  Books on homeschooling and unschooling.  Books on crafting, and many, MANY Catholic devotional type books... books to help me grow in my faith.  I also have many books on natural nutritional health.   And lastly, I have books on things that interest me... hobby type books.  The least of my books are fictions.  I do like a fiction... if it's a certain kind.  I detest "smut books".   I dislike the books with the men with biceps to spare, and hair that blows in the breeze as he stands bare-chested, his right arm encircling the waist of his lady-fair, and she, with her white frilly low cut blouse, half closed eyes, and heaving bosoms.  Yep.  Those books make me want to lose my lunch.  WHO reads that garbage?  Not me!

Current reads.  I was reading The Unschooling Unmanual, until I misplaced it.  I have a sneaking suspicion it's behind the couch.  Then I started Homeschooling with Gentleness:  A Catholic Discovers Unschooling.   I have put that one aside for a couple of days, however.  The reason is The Hunger Games.   My sister bought and read this book.  She passed it to our mother.  It was passed to me two days ago.  I am halfway through it.  I am not usually so slow at getting through such a good book as this one.   But, it was Easter weekend, and hubby was home from work.  Also, have two daughters and two Labradors inside the house tends to keep me perpetually distracted.   So I can't burn through books as quickly as I once could.  Not that I am complaining.

I did not intend to read The Hunger Games.  I usually avoid books that are all 'hyped up'.   I don't like reading what's 'hot'.  What everyone else is reading.  My sister though, has pretty good taste in books, and she loved this book.  How can I turn down a book that comes so highly recommended?  So yes, I am reading it, and YES, it is a really good book. And I do highly recommend it.

So what does everyone else collect?  Definitely my collection of books is larger than anything else I've ever collected.  I am tired of collecting angels.  Half the planet seems to collect them.  I do like my collection of little nuns, and my collection of Mary's Moo Moo's.  

Even though Mary's Moo Moo's are "out of style" now.  I still find them quite cute.  I have some Princess Diana stuff, and in my dining room on the walls are assorted decorative plates I've collected.  Some of them I am rather fond of.  My favorite is a plate with a painting by John Herendeen on it, called, "the Doctor's House".  I call it "my dream house" plate. :)  Not exactly a Southern plantation house, but close enough, and lovely.  Gorgeous old architecture, lots of steps, lace at the old fashioned pane windows.... If only I could wish myself into that picture.  I would love exploring all the rooms and the surrounding grounds of this lovely house... which is sort of funny... when I was a child, my parents had a large painting hanging over our couch... I used to stand on the back of the couch and memorize all the details of that painting, and imagining myself 'in' that painting, and everything I would explore.  I guess I didn't outgrow that. *blush*

Since I was a child, I've collected rocks and seashells.  I am particularly fond of pieces of jasper, purple quartz, and moonstones. 

I love conch shells, and sand dollars.  I still have a few sharks teeth.  I've lost most of my collection, here and there... and so I am making a conscience effort to start collecting them again.  There's something almost 'magical' about rocks and shells.  Treasure from the earth itself.  Each one magnificent, and unique of all others.  Different colors, shapes... and if they could talk, they'd all have their own story to tell.  And some, such as the sand dollar, hide more treasures within it.

And trolls.  I love those tiny little guys with the crazy poufy hair.  They're so ugly, they're adorable.  

I want to start a new collection, of unicorns.  Yes, yes, I know... LOL... don't mock me. ;)    I just want some of the tiny fragile blown glass ones I've seen.  They're so pretty!

So I am curious.  What does everyone else collect?

French Baguettes Recipe

We love French Bread and French Baguettes.  Found this recipe and have been making it like a fiend. :)  Delish.  Blogging this recipe to (a) share it, and to (b) not lose it again. LOL


French Baguettes Recipe

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup water 2 1/2 cups bread flour 1 tablespoon white sugar 1 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 teaspoons bread machine yeast 1 egg yolk 1 tablespoon water

DIRECTIONS:

1.	Place 1 cup water, bread flour, sugar, salt and yeast into bread machine pan in the order recommended by manufacturer. Select Dough cycle, and press Start.
2.	When the cycle has completed, place dough in a greased bowl, turning to coat all sides. Cover, and let rise in a warm place for about 30 minutes, or until doubled in bulk. Dough is ready if indentation remains when touched.
3.	Punch down dough. On a lightly floured surface, roll into a 16x12 inch rectangle. Cut dough in half, creating two 8x12 inch rectangles. Roll up each half of dough tightly, beginning at 12 inch side, pounding out any air bubbles as you go. Roll gently back and forth to taper end. Place 3 inches apart on a greased cookie sheet. Make deep diagonal slashes across loaves every 2 inches, or make one lengthwise slash on each loaf. Cover, and let rise in a warm place for 30 to 40 minutes, or until doubled in bulk.
4.	Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Mix egg yolk with 1 tablespoon water; brush over tops of loaves.
5.	Bake for 20 to 25 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden brown.