Monday, April 16, 2012
Okay I am warning you-all up front that this post is nothing but me complaining//whining//venting. So feel free to ignore... it won't hurt my feelings one iota.
I had something "HUGE" and devastating dumped on me, mid-January. I have not handled it well. No. I don't want to talk about it. Not to anyone. I just want it to go away.
Also. New contract coming up at my hubby's job in two months, and already, the mind games have commenced... resulting in an extremely stressed out hubby. Stressed hubby adds to my stress. Big time. And trust me, I've already got plenty enough already.
If one more person tells me to "not worry", I am going to knock their block off. Or tell me I have "nothing I need to stress myself out about". Oh. Shut. Up.
Everyone has their cross to bear. Mine is nothing compared to many, and I am fully aware of that. I blame myself for my own failings, and feel I've missed the boat on raising my oldest daughter with a strong faith... and now with all the stress I am not being a good example for neither her or my younger daughter. And when they don't "succeed" at something, I blame myself for it. After all, I am their mother and I am the one responsible for them and have been for 18 and a half years. I've missed the boat. I've not done "good enough", and knowing that pretty well sucks. All I can do now, is the best I can.. and I am just not sure it's good enough.
My parents in bad health... a stressed out husband... dealing with what was dropped into my lap in January... losing some of our income, and the possibility of a lay-off... has my stress through the roof. More "pious" people tell me that I should just 'trust God' and "give it to Him" and that to 'worry' is me "being prideful//sinful". Maybe so. But telling me how sinful I am right now isn't really helping. And the last thing I need is "finger pointing". I've already got a "finger pointing friend" and she is so "good" at pointing out my weak points, that trust me, she doesn't need anyone's help.
Adding to this... Right or wrong, I am only allowing a few friends "in" right now.. and even then it is limited. Sorry but getting burned repeatedly gets old.. and you learn to flinch. Last week I was stupid, (again) and trusted a certain someone's word. Geez, will I EVER learn? Of course this person didn't follow through. AGAIN. And people wonder why I've developed trust issues. Duh.
I know that "this too shall pass" and that we'll get past these hurdles. I KNOW that. But gosh, it just seems to take so long sometimes... I try and look at the good things... and be thankful for all God has blessed us with. Sometimes that's all can cling to... These "rough patches" seriously stink. And yes I am aware that I am my own worst critic. Aren't we all?
Time to be Polly-Anna again, and play the "Glad Game". As I tuck further into my Catholic Bubble, pulling away from the world more... I am thankful for my handful of lovely friends who are Catholic Moms like me... who are in their own Catholic Bubbles with their own struggles... their own crosses to bear. I love them dearly.. and they remind me that I am not alone. Even if we don't talk as often as we'd like.. or see each other very often... and some are local and "here", and then some (online friends) I've never even met.... but each special and wonderful in their own ways... and just knowing they are there... I am thankful. We all pray for each other... it goes without saying..
Dear Lord, please help me to remember.. that I am blessed beyond measure. And your Divine Mercy knows no boundaries, and no end. Amen.