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Monday, April 30, 2012

Being But a Fragment

Dealing with depression, not just over many years, but recently...  especially these last 3 and a half months has... well... sucked.  Not that it's 'ever' a barrel of laughs.  It's not.  

Oh, I've heard all the "advice", "well just pull yourself up by your bootstraps", or "snap out of it" or "quit wallowing in self-pity" or implying that it's something that one can control if you only just put forth the effort.  The one that irks me the most is when people look upon it as some sort of personality flaw.  Another "favorite" is that I am "only depressed because" I'm "fat".  

Oh, Lovely...thanks...... well sheesh, being "fat", (whether or not you are won't matter a fig if you 'think' you are), is enough to depress anyone.  Way to spread the love.  

But here's the thing... I suffered from depression when I was "small" too.  Blew THAT brilliant idea right out of the water, didn't it?  Depression is a worldwide epidemic.  It knows not race, color, creed, financial bracket... or weight. 

The panic attacks are at an obnoxious high.. and lately, almost daily.  Painful.  Frightening.  "fight or flight" kicks in...I've about had my fill of those.  Then, there are the 'lows'.  I got so LOW Saturday night that I just sat out on my front porch and gazed up at the moon and just let the tears run... I don't know how long I was out there.. over an hour at least.   I considered so many things.  Like just walking off... disappearing along into the night.  

And other things.  

Unhealthy things.  Instead I came back inside, did some laundry, and went to bed.  Woulda woke up and got to howling every dog in the neighborhood anyway.  Definitely not the most subtle way to 'disappear'.  

But, "disappearing" I am...  Truly I am a fragment of my former self.   Somewhere, I've lost parts of myself...  

Last night (Sunday night), I had it in my head I was going to start fasting.  And today, I've done nothing but the absolute opposite of that.  

But later that evening.... at last, some redemption, no matter how brief....  I will gratefully take this  much needed reprieve.. depression is like a shadow.. it always sneaks in at the merest hint of a cloud.  

Now today (Monday) is our wedding anniversary, and he's at work.   And our kids are doing their own things...   

My mom had chemo again today.  I talked to her earlier.   She sounded okay.  Just tired.   Found out a friend I had years ago lost her mother today.   Sad news.  I really liked her mom.   She was always really nice.   It brought back memories of losing Stephanie.   So, again tonight, I had a few tears... not the 'hard' crying like Sunday night... just sad, 'memory' tears.  

Hubby gets off work in a half hour.  Yay. :)  And we'll do something to celebrate this Saturday to make up for it.  In the meantime, I will do some baking, and see what I can do to get my mind busy... maybe string some beads.  And do a craft with Robyn.  Sounds good to me.


  1. Susan, I do hope, as you told me in a earlier comment, that you're investigating antidepressants. I absolutely believe, being a sufferer of it myself, that depression is a biochemical illness and can be treated biochemically. I know so many people who have been helped that way, including myself. Living with depression, moment to moment trying to manage it, is so painful. And of course it has nothing to do with pulling up your bootstraps or being "fat" or whatever. It's illness. Hang in there.

  2. pathway, thank you. My appointment is two weeks from tomorrow. Hopefully that will be the start of getting me on the right track. ♥

    1. I am so sorry that you have been blue, Susan. Keeping you in my prayers! I hope that they find the right medication for you and that you experience peaceful relief.

    2. Thank you! I hope so too. I'm usually quite a happy perky kind of gal... and I miss that. "No one likes a frowny face." ;)