Riding Wild Horses

Disclaimer:  I probably should not drink and blog, while depressed.  Ah well, it is what it is.   You have been warned....

Lately has brought back a flood of memories of my very dear friend Stephanie..  who left this world too soon.  Which, though painful and depressing as hell..   all this emotion is actually quite welcome since I as a result I was given some old pictures of her.  God.. what a precious gift.  Pics from 1992.. the year I started at the answering service and I was put at the computer next to her.. and there she was sitting.. in her U2 concert shirt.. and then began the friendship.  

I have already cried my eyes out..  now I am immersing myself in the wonders of U2.   Our favourite band in the world.  My first U2 concert was with her.   November 1997.  6th row on the floor in front of the stage.  Standing on top of metal folding chairs, (the chairs were chained together) AND it was raining.  :)  It was awesome!!!

I remember when she first passed away in 2005.. I couldn't listen to U2 for about two years.  Even now, ten years later, there are still songs I can't listen to without weeping.

Stephanie and I had a song.  Okay well actually we had two of them.  The other one was Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U".  (that's a whole 'nother story)...  But.. "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" was "our" main song.

Why was this our song?  She said it always made her think of me.   I told her "things" I know that I "wasn't supposed to".   1992-93 was a major pivotal time of my life.. I was scared, and "didn't know what I wanted".  She was my trusted confidant.  I held nothing back.  She was a good listener, and she never judged.  I was "dangerous, because I was honest".  I trusted too easily..  She was forever trying to lovingly toughen me up.  God love her.

I was pregnant.  Not under good circumstances.  I was that "accident waiting to happen."  I always joke she delivered my baby.  Best ever Aunt who wasn't really an aunt. :)

I would have "lied, if she'd asked me to".  (She loved me enough she would never do that)  But at that age, we were young enough and snotty and spirited enough.. you never knew with us..

Steph's been gone almost ten years.   This November 18th..  

I go to were she's buried... still the grave is unmarked..  so I mark it myself with things I bring her.   

So now it's me driving there, to the cemetery.. "in the dirty rain... to the place where the wind calls her name."  

"Under the trees"  ironically next to a river...  it's actually beautiful where she was put to rest.  I hear her in the wind in the trees.  I feel her in the breeze.  She's everywhere, but she meets me there.  💜  She knows.. she's on the other side of that veil.  Almost like on the other side of a mirror.. I can't see her.. but I know she is there.  I know she watches out for me still.  Still being my friend.  

"Hallelujah...Heavens door..."

Dear God, that "door" she "opened"... "I just can't close".... even after ten years... because I want her back.  
Yes I am selfish.  And I. Don't. Care.  
Losing someone is NOT something you "get over".  It's not a cold.

Our "gypsy hearts"...   and I can't help but "look back".  Depression.. 

 "the deeper I spin.."

Who's going to take the place of her?  No one.  No one ever can.  She is still with me.  I feel her.


"You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee"

~Bono, U2

An Unexpected Visit

My close-as-a-sister friend Stephanie passed away almost nine years ago.  I miss her all the time.  I've had reminders.. dreams.. so forth pop up here and there a few times..  two very vivid dreams I am convinced were visitations.   One was basically to let me know she was okay.  The other was because I was in a state of distress over her being in an unmarked grave.  (don't EVEN get me started on her husband NOT putting a marker on her grave).   At any rate.   It's been a few years... and low and behold.. she just, in a way, popped in on me.   And I am in tears...   joyful, thankful tears.. and missing her.

My eldest daughter, who is 21, came up and hugged me.  We were standing there, arms around each other, and she pulled back and said, "Well, that was weird".   
Me:  "What?"  Listening as I walked back into the kitchen to check the dinner I was cooking.
Her:  "You know how sometimes you get a strange smell out of nowhere.. just like.. a quick whiff.. and it takes you back to a place or time?"
"Me: "Yes!!  Where did it take you?
Her:  *looks at me seriously*  "Back to Stephanie's wedding."

I consider.  She was only two months shy of turning seven at her wedding.  I was seven months pregnant with Robyn.   I look up on the counter at the crunchy snacks I just made.. and I laugh and say that "Well, it makes sense.   If Steph was here, she'd be sitting her butt up to this counter, eating these crunchy things I just made, and chattering excitedly about U2's upcoming album and tour."

Amy looks at me.  Moves her hands to indicate the earbuds she has on.  "Mom, I'm listening to their new album now."

Stephanie.

I walked into the den, where my hubby is watching a movie.  I told him what happened.  Him:  "That was Steph."   I'm glad he gets it.  Enough people think you're weird when you mention anything remotely like this.   To be honest I'm surprised I even blog about it.. but I have.. this is like, the third time.  I 'have' to share it though.  I do.  I can't NOT share it.  

So I am getting overwhelmed with emotions and I start crying.. and Amy looks wounded and is going, "I'm sorry Momma, I didn't mean to make you cry."  And goes to hug me.  And I'm hugging her back, and thanking her.  She didn't have to share that with me, but I am so profoundly grateful that she did.   Stephanie popped in to say hello, more or less.   As I'm hugging my daughter and crying, I blurt out, "She didn't forget me.  She still loves me.  My buddy still loves me."   Why would I come out with that?  I don't know.   But I DO know that my beloved friend is still around.  

What a precious gift.  I never saw it coming.  I am so thankful.   

Today, the Church celebrates Exaltation of the Holy Cross.  What does this have to do with this?  I don't know.  But mass was awesome today, confession was awesome, to say the least.  I knew in advance what I was going to say, then had this rush of emotion and things I didn't plan to say came out of nowhere and pouring out of me... which was painful and beautiful and freeing.. and now this..  no.. I just don't believe in coincidences any more.  I used to.  God knows the whole story and sees the big picture.  Me?  I just have to have faith. ♥  Here I am Lord.   Thy Holy will be done!

Stephanie:  This November 18th will be the 9th anniversary of your passing.  It was a Friday, at your moms house.   I have missed you so badly.. you know this.   Missing you, and praying for you.   Love you Heifer Girl.  My U2 buddy.  My sister in crime.  I can't wait to see you again one day.  ♥

Learning Spanish With a Very Southern Tongue

When our family was in Miami a couple of years ago for a U2 concert, I found that my English, heavy with Southern accent, is not understood by most folks in Miami.. and that my Spanish skills.. well... have a lot to be desired.

My dear friend had to order for us, (no, I cannot even order beans and rice), and I was pathetically grateful for the idiot proof pictures on the bathroom doors so I could distinguish the ladies from the gents.  

(no they weren't these, but these ARE pretty funny!)

During our five day visit, I learned one phrase.  Papas fritas.  Oh joy.  I can now order french fries.  And thanks to Sesame Street, I can order more than one serving for my family of four. :)

Pending a highly probable future visit to Miami, I am attempting to learn a few more phrases to make life easier during our visit.  The same dear friend has taught me to say "No picante, por favor."  Which means NO Spicy Please!  (I am a wimp and do NOT want to get stuff with spicy food I cannot tolerate.. such as the delicious beans and rice I had last time.) :)

As I walk around, cheerfully chirping out my newest phrase, hubby is amused.  I know I'm probably annoying.. and totally running this phrase into the ground, but this is the only way I'm going to remember it.  I talked about papas fritas constantly when I first learned it, and now I'm throwing out 'picante' and 'por favor' every chance I get. 

Next on my list is how to ask where the restroom is.  I am pretty sure that will be helpful, especially since I still don't know what 'el bano' (men or women??) means. :)