The yammerings, thoughts, and musings of a middle-aged, Southern, slightly eccentric Catholic housewife, autism mom, and future Granny!
Book nerd. Hobbit. Whovian. Blogger. Animal lover. Mad Hatter. Bead junkie. Good Ju-Ju Lady. :) Come, let me make you some tea....
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Thursday, August 20, 2015
Riding Wild Horses
Disclaimer: I probably should not drink and blog, while depressed. Ah well, it is what it is. You have been warned....
Lately has brought back a flood of memories of my very dear friend Stephanie.. who left this world too soon. Which, though painful and depressing as hell.. all this emotion is actually quite welcome since I as a result I was given some old pictures of her. God.. what a precious gift. Pics from 1992.. the year I started at the answering service and I was put at the computer next to her.. and there she was sitting.. in her U2 concert shirt.. and then began the friendship. I have already cried my eyes out.. now I am immersing myself in the wonders of U2. Our favourite band in the world. My first U2 concert was with her. November 1997. 6th row on the floor in front of the stage. Standing on top of metal folding chairs, (the chairs were chained together) AND it was raining. :) It was awesome!!! I remember when she first passed away in 2005.. I couldn't listen to U2 for about two years. Even now, ten years later, there are still songs I can't listen to without weeping. Stephanie and I had a song. Okay well actually we had two of them. The other one was Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U". (that's a whole 'nother story)... But.. "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" was "our" main song. Why was this our song? She said it always made her think of me. I told her "things" I know that I "wasn't supposed to". 1992-93 was a major pivotal time of my life.. I was scared, and "didn't know what I wanted". She was my trusted confidant. I held nothing back. She was a good listener, and she never judged. I was "dangerous, because I was honest". I trusted too easily.. She was forever trying to lovingly toughen me up. God love her. I was pregnant. Not under good circumstances. I was that "accident waiting to happen." I always joke she delivered my baby. Best ever Aunt who wasn't really an aunt. :) I would have "lied, if she'd asked me to". (She loved me enough she would never do that) But at that age, we were young enough and snotty and spirited enough.. you never knew with us..
Steph's been gone almost ten years. This November 18th.. I go to were she's buried... still the grave is unmarked.. so I mark it myself with things I bring her. So now it's me driving there, to the cemetery.. "in the dirty rain... to the place where the wind calls her name." "Under the trees" ironically next to a river... it's actually beautiful where she was put to rest. I hear her in the wind in the trees. I feel her in the breeze. She's everywhere, but she meets me there. 💜 She knows.. she's on the other side of that veil. Almost like on the other side of a mirror.. I can't see her.. but I know she is there. I know she watches out for me still. Still being my friend. "Hallelujah...Heavens door..." Dear God, that "door" she "opened"... "I just can't close".... even after ten years... because I want her back. Yes I am selfish. And I. Don't. Care. Losing someone is NOT something you "get over". It's not a cold. Our "gypsy hearts"... and I can't help but "look back". Depression.. "the deeper I spin.." Who's going to take the place of her? No one. No one ever can. She is still with me. I feel her.
"You're dangerous 'cause you're honest You're dangerous, you don't know what you want Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot For any spirit to haunt Hey hey sha la la Hey hey You're an accident waiting to happen You're a piece of glass left there on the beach Well you tell me things I know you're not supposed to Then you leave me just out of reach Hey hey sha la la Hey hey sha la la Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna drown in your blue sea Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to Baby, can we still be friends Hey hey sha la la Hey hey sha la la Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna drown in your blue sea Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee Oh, the deeper I spin Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin Took a drive in the dirty rain To a place where the wind calls your name Under the trees the river laughing at you and me Hallelujah, heavens white rose The doors you open I just can't close Don't turn around, don't turn around again Don't turn around, your gypsy heart Don't turn around, don't turn around again Don't turn around, and don't look back Come on now love, don't you look back Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna drown in your blue sea Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses Who's gonna take the place of me Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna tame the heart of thee" ~Bono, U2