Purpose to Please God... Not Others

Yesterday I blogged about my curse.   The curse of being a tender-hearted, sensitive person who "needs to get a grip" and "cries over everything".  I have thought about it... and I know God made me a softie for a reason.  I don't know what His reason was/is.  But if it pleases Him, who am I to argue?  But it sure does make things hard sometimes though!  I guess we all have our cross to bear.

A friend of mine stated yesterday on her facebook wall that "everything she does is 'wrong'".   I am sorry that someone made her feel that way.  She's an awesome person, and she does not deserve that.  

I am certain it was more than one person who hurt her.  Facebook, I swear, is one great big drama-fest.   Many times I have considered just deleting my account and forgetting about it.  I get tired of posting things (that I think is just something innocent) and that makes 'certain (obviously very bored) people' think that this is a great reason to argue with or attack me..publicly of course... or even worse, using what I post to make fun of me and spread their ugly embellished comments to others... all behind my back.  Again.   There are certain people in our lives that any of us SHOULD be able to trust, well... some of them you just CAN'T trust and probably never will.  That sounds bad but that is the truth.   And let's face it.  There are some who really, really think that the world revolves around them, so unless they are discussing how awesome they 'think' that they are, then they'd just as soon not even bother to converse at all.  Which, I have to tell you, would be perfectly fine with me.   So yeah... I don't post a lot any more.. and nothing personal if I can help it.   I'd rather just stay in my 'bubble'. :(

It stinks to feel like you're constantly disappointing people for not being a certain way.  I try and remember that as long as I am striving to please God, and that I am being the best wife and mom I can be, than that is ALL that matters.  But you know, sometimes it's hard when other people think you're screwed up as Hogan's Goat.   *laughs*  I guess it wouldn't be so hard if I weren't such a people pleaser to go with everything else.   Too friendly.  Too trusting.  Too easily fooled.  Too Sensitive...  *sighs*.... 

Sensitive and screwed up.  That's me.  But God loves me anyway.  *big grin*  

I Am Cursed

I am cursed.

My curse, I have read, is fairly common.  I don't have any idea where they get their information from.  But in my little piece of the world, anyone else who shares my curse seems to be fairly well hidden.

My curse is impossible to hide.  It shows itself anywhere, any time, and to any one.  Without regard.  The curse, is being too sensitive and tenderhearted.  And I HATE it.

This curse made my life a complete hell in school until the day I graduated.  Others saw it as a sign of weakness, and they gleefully did all they could to bring it out in me.  I learned to avoid the ones who did this... sticking to my friends who didn't seem to be phased at all by my sensitivities.  Maybe they thought I was just babyish, or dramatic, or that it was something I would outgrow at some point.  Who knows?  But I spent as much time hiding in the library before school as possible to avoid the wolves.  I found refuge in books when my friends were not around... though they didn't always do the trick if the book happened to be a British classic or some other sad tale.  Time has not changed the problem, or the intensity.

It really can happen anywhere.  Triggers are everywhere.  Hallmark commercials.  Publix commercials at Christmas time.  A military man coming home and his wife and kids running to hug him make me weep.   Horrible news stories, such as a child being murdered, and seeing the grieving family has me crying and depressed.   Certain songs on the radio I cannot bear to listen to, as they bring back memories of people I've lost.   When I went to go see "Lady and the Tramp" at the movie theatre, I cried when the one dog was hit by the wagon wheel.  In Doctor Who, when Rose ended up in the Parallel World and separated from The Doctor, I bawled my eyes out.

I have cried through hymns at Mass when all the other eyes in the house were dry.  I have wept over children I never had the joy of conceiving and carrying, and over baptisms of people I don't even know.  

I have cried watching my autistic daughter make a friend and seeing her being accepted.  I have cried when my eldest daughter was afraid to try something.  I have wept because I saw a sick woman burning with fever having to walk in the heat of summer to catch the bus to get to the doctor, and my boss wouldn't let me clock out and drive her.  (No, I didn't know her, but she was sick and needed help... and to this day (13 years later) I still think of her).  I should have just walked OUT of that job! :(

Being a wimp, stinks.  Getting caught mopping tears after watching a breaking news story is humiliating, especially when I STILL have certain people who feel it is necessary to roll their eyes at me in disdain, and tell me I need to "get a grip".   Now I end up crying more, because now on top of being sad at the news story, I feel like an idiot and I feel hurt and judged and angry that anyone is that INSensitive!!  But of course, I won't say anything... I never do.  I just take it... and end up depressed for a few days.  And feeling like a loser because of it all.

I don't have a switch where I can turn it on and off.  I don't LIKE being sensitive.  Hence the reason I feel it is a curse.  The world only accepts "feelings" if they are the "feel good" type or are perverted.   Crying because your heart is touched while watching the Special Olympics parade is not something anyone 'gets'.

I hate my curse.  But, I suppose the opposite would make me cold-hearted, and I certainly do NOT want that.  I'd settle for a happy medium.  But at this age, I guess I'm not going to "out grow" this. :(