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Friday, March 22, 2013

I Am Cursed



I am cursed.

My curse, I have read, is fairly common.  I don't have any idea where they get their information from.  But in my little piece of the world, anyone else who shares my curse seems to be fairly well hidden.

My curse is impossible to hide.  It shows itself anywhere, any time, and to any one.  Without regard.  The curse, is being too sensitive and tenderhearted.  And I HATE it.

This curse made my life a complete hell in school until the day I graduated.  Others saw it as a sign of weakness, and they gleefully did all they could to bring it out in me.  I learned to avoid the ones who did this... sticking to my friends who didn't seem to be phased at all by my sensitivities.  Maybe they thought I was just babyish, or dramatic, or that it was something I would outgrow at some point.  Who knows?  But I spent as much time hiding in the library before school as possible to avoid the wolves.  I found refuge in books when my friends were not around... though they didn't always do the trick if the book happened to be a British classic or some other sad tale.  Time has not changed the problem, or the intensity.

It really can happen anywhere.  Triggers are everywhere.  Hallmark commercials.  Publix commercials at Christmas time.  A military man coming home and his wife and kids running to hug him make me weep.   Horrible news stories, such as a child being murdered, and seeing the grieving family has me crying and depressed.   Certain songs on the radio I cannot bear to listen to, as they bring back memories of people I've lost.   When I went to go see "Lady and the Tramp" at the movie theatre, I cried when the one dog was hit by the wagon wheel.  In Doctor Who, when Rose ended up in the Parallel World and separated from The Doctor, I bawled my eyes out.

I have cried through hymns at Mass when all the other eyes in the house were dry.  I have wept over children I never had the joy of conceiving and carrying, and over baptisms of people I don't even know.  

I have cried watching my autistic daughter make a friend and seeing her being accepted.  I have cried when my eldest daughter was afraid to try something.  I have wept because I saw a sick woman burning with fever having to walk in the heat of summer to catch the bus to get to the doctor, and my boss wouldn't let me clock out and drive her.  (No, I didn't know her, but she was sick and needed help... and to this day (13 years later) I still think of her).  I should have just walked OUT of that job! :(

Being a wimp, stinks.  Getting caught mopping tears after watching a breaking news story is humiliating, especially when I STILL have certain people who feel it is necessary to roll their eyes at me in disdain, and tell me I need to "get a grip".   Now I end up crying more, because now on top of being sad at the news story, I feel like an idiot and I feel hurt and judged and angry that anyone is that INSensitive!!  But of course, I won't say anything... I never do.  I just take it... and end up depressed for a few days.  And feeling like a loser because of it all.

I don't have a switch where I can turn it on and off.  I don't LIKE being sensitive.  Hence the reason I feel it is a curse.  The world only accepts "feelings" if they are the "feel good" type or are perverted.   Crying because your heart is touched while watching the Special Olympics parade is not something anyone 'gets'.

I hate my curse.  But, I suppose the opposite would make me cold-hearted, and I certainly do NOT want that.  I'd settle for a happy medium.  But at this age, I guess I'm not going to "out grow" this. :(  

2 comments:

  1. Susan,

    I hope you will always cry. I love your sensitive nature. You are tuned into the feelings of others, and you care.

    I know crying is inconvenient. I hate crying in public. People stare and my eyes go red. I even hate crying at home unless I am alone. I wonder why we worry about such things.

    I think there is nothing nicer than crying with a friend. When someone cries with you it's a real compliment. They really care about you. When you tell me you've cried over one of my stories I am really touched.

    I don't think we outgrow sensitivity. I think it gets 'worse' as we get older! And that's good. I think that's the way it should be.

    I wish I could have seen Robyn in the Special Olympics parade. I bet that was very special.

    God bless!

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    Replies
    1. You are such a dear friend! :) I LOATHE crying in public, and try so hard not to even cry in front of my hubby and girls. I have certainly cried with friends.. maybe this sounds dumb but even though I obviously can't feel ALL they are feeling, I completely feel their pain and sadness, and gosh I just can't help but hug them and cry along with them.. sharing grief, to me, is a sort of healing. I cannot explain why.

      Sue, your stories, particularly about Thomas, are some of the most beautiful stories I've ever read in my life.. though they are filled with pain, they are so filled with love it just makes me ache. I am thankful to you for sharing him with me and others. And thankful to Thomas too.. he is reaching so many people.. telling his story through you. SO beautiful. And such tremendous love.

      The Special Olympics Parade.. :) I could barely keep it together!! I cupped my hands and pretended to be blowing on my freezing hands.. and in fact I was hiding my tears. There were a lot of Downs Syndrome kids.. and seeing their excitement.. just filled my heart. I am crying again now just thinking about it! Hahaa!

      Thank you Sue! God bless you dear lady! ♥

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