Today I am finding it hard just to keep my head up. With bad memories filling my mind, recent bad news, and then some very devastating news dropped into my lap on Monday, I am literally just spending my energy.. just sitting upright. What I want to do is crawl under the bed, never come out, and stay there until I die.
Since I am a cow, and there is no 'underneath' on our bed, it's an impossibility anyway.
Right now I am finding it difficult to get along with hubby, my girls... heck... even the dogs. The smallest things are setting me off... infuriating me, and then I dissolve into tears. Panic attacks earlier today, and then a three hour sleep, leaving my girls to fend for themselves. Well, as the saying goes... while the cats away, the mice will play. I know in my heart they didn't do anything bad... just not what I wanted them to do. And as result... I flew off the handle.
Today is just NOT a good day.
Back in November, I received a EWTN tote bag as a gift. I've never even used it. And now, I cannot find it. Anywhere. I am deeply worried that my daughters mixed it up in the organic co-op bags, and if they did, odds are I won't be getting it back. I know it's 'just' a bag. But this has gotten me upset. Funny how little things can upset you so much when you're already stressed out to your limits. I want my darn bag, and I want it now. That sounds so irrational. But there again, I am NOT feeling rational at all.
Earlier, during my panic attacks... I wondered to myself if I would finally just get so stressed out and freaked out that I would just drop dead of a heart attack. I have considered, perhaps a mental breakdown? That sounds more likely.. as it 'feels' close as it is. Not that I'm an expert on these things. I have known of people who've gotten locked up... like.. mentally. I have pondered, what makes me any different from them? The ones I've known have either 'snapped'... (as in, doing nutso things for no reason), and the others because they became a danger to themselves or to someone else. I am certainly not going to 'off' myself. (don't believe in that, and am also not that selfish), and though the thought of knocking someone's block off is sometimes quite appealing, I would not actually do it.
So that leaves being nutso/irrational.
What is coping? What is 'normal' coping? Freaking out about my EWTN tote bag? Livid that my daughter cooked fish instead of eating the leftovers before they go bad? Mad that someone promised to do something, and hasn't lifted a finger, and has once again (IMHO) lied to me and I was again stupid enough to believe them? ON TOP of all the REAL stuff that's ripping me apart inside. These little things are just that. Little things. But right now they feel like BIG things.
It is said that God never gives us more than we can handle. Okay, well now I am wondering if God has checked His gauge lately. How much is enough? I am screaming 'Uncle' as it is. I actually hate complaining. So many others have suffered far worse... and here I am crying in my Cheerwine cola. How do you cope? How does anyone? Why am I finding it so hard to pray?
I am sorry that today and the other day were such hard days!!! I have been thinking about you and will be keeping you in my prayers. Just say a morning offering and all your suffering will bear fruit in your life and the lives of others. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that you get to feel better right away. I wish it did!!!! When I feel this way, one of the things that I do is remind myself that God is in the present moment and that I only have to suffer this in the present moment. Breath in, breath out. I also generally tell myself that in such a such amount of time, things will be better which helps me in the present moment suffering. Sometimes, it is good just to admit that you are a smoldering wick and that you are sooo tired. It is ok to be tired, sometimes very tired. Sometimes we learn only after we have been present for something (that class you had to take for the diocese) that it wasn't the best place for us to be. I have had to just say that there are things that I will not be able to handle at certain times or at any time. I am weak perhaps...so what. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. God knows all the things that you deal with and loves and compassions you. You are not nuts or abnormal. Give yourself the break that you need. I was told once that effort and progress are the things to see. Don't say "somebody did it to me again". Say "now I am seeing it and I never did before". That is progress. Little by little. This time in your life you may need to pray differently. Just say the name of Jesus and that contains all the prayers in the whole world. I will be praying for you.....I am sorry that it is a hard time!!!
ReplyDelete