Monday, January 9, 2012
Struggle for Holiness
Today, a friend of mine was so joyous... she prayed three rosaries and felt so happy and blessed... I am happy for her... I wish I could do that.
I struggle with praying and it's difficult to pray even ONE rosary without my mind wandering... or I feel like I'm just 'saying' the words 'empty'.... does that make sense? I am such a terrible Catholic... I want so much for it all to be so INTENSELY REAL to me that I can't STOP praying! I wonder if I will ever be to that point. I remember one point in my life I was able to pray a lot more... that seems a lifetime ago. I was unmarried... childless at that time. Is it the distraction of having family now? I don't think so. I think that should make me even more turn to Him.
I've had this 'dry' spell so long, it is sadly 'normal'. I hate it. I have been advised to just 'get in the habit' of praying... and somehow it's supposed to just 'come', but how can you when you feel you are just repetitiously saying the words but without the love that should pour through them?
When I receive Holy Communion, why am I not filled with awe and love and gratitude and thankfulness? It's Jesus's Body!!! Why am I not lying prostrate on the floor in His presence?
It does not dawn on me to NOT cover myself or be veiled in His Presence. I do not want to offend Him. But so I KNOW that I KNOW it's Really Him... so why do I struggle?
I trust in Him... but I don't 'talk' to Him. How can I claim to love Someone I, for all intents and purposes, basically ignore?
About two years ago, a "friend" was smirking at me and a friend of mine, remarking that we 'had religion' and it was 'nothing more than a social club' for us. What with our stickers on our cars, our medals and crucifixes and scapulars around our necks, and how we 'talk the talk' so well. But his indication is that we were entertaining... and that it was all a show.
I was initially offended... then pondered his words. Was I? Am I? Is it pride? Is it pride that I'm 'wondering' if it's pride? Good gravy. Where does this all end?
Am I a big faker? Am I just tickling my own ears with my elegant flowery words? Who am I really with no one around to see? I'll tell you who I am. I'm a little selfish. Secure in my bubble, with no desire to leave it. Looking for traces of God in everything... the sunset, the clouds, in my children's faces, and trying to block out all the bad that keeps trying to seep into every crack in my life. I'm sometimes a little mean, judgmental. I can have a potty mouth, (I hate that about myself, and have NO pride in that at all)... I can be petty, gossipy, blunt, and at times even a little cruel. Overly sensitive, easy to laugh or cry.... feelings easily hurt, and worse of all... I have one of those 'addictive' personalities... meaning... I am too easily caught up in whatever floats by and is shiny and catches my eye... and I sign up for it in blood. That's another thing I hate about myself. So why cannot I not get so gung-ho on prayer as I can watching chick flicks?