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Friday, March 16, 2012

Missing Stephanie ~ "Aint No Sunshine When She's Gone"

Stephanie, I am thinking of you tonight.  Did you hear me sing Happy Birthday 11 days ago?  I sang out loud, in the bathroom, as I cried, thinking of you.  Nope. I still cannot carry a tune.  I am sure you heard me, laughing at me with your fingers in your ears.




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CADORATH Stephanie - Sander Cadorath, 36, passed away peacefully in her sleep Friday, November 18, 2005. Mrs. Cadorath was a member of Arlington Congregational Church, where a Celebration of Her Life will be held at 11:00 AM Wednesday, November 23, with Dr. Bruce Havens, officiating. Interment will follow in Arlington Park Cemetery. She attended Jones College and was formerly employed with Kuhn Flowers, Jim King Companies and America Online. Stephanie will be greatly missed by her loving husband, Karl, to whom she had devoted her life; her parents, William and Anna Rae Sander; her brother, Bill ( Sharon) Sander; nephews, Hunter and Austin; and other dear relatives and friends. The family will receive friends from 6:00 to 8:00 PM Tuesday (TODAY) at at COREYKERLIN FUNERAL HOME, 940 Cesery Boulevard. Please Sign the Guestbook @ Jacksonville.com
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You know, it's weird.  It's been over 6 years.  I still have a half pack of your cigarettes up on top of my curio cabinet that you forgot and left the last time you came over.  I can't bear to throw them out.   I still have some of the things you gave me.  I have a framed picture of us in the dining room with Sandy...  the three of us young, and smiling.   That picture has got to be 16 or 17 years old.  But I remember that day well.  We were having so much fun.

Things I've learned.  It hurts so bad when you lose someone.  I will never forget how I felt when you died.  How I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest.  What no one tells you is that it doesn't go away.  How almost 6 and a half years later, I hear a song and cry.  Or remember our fun times together, or a silly face you used to make... or hear someone use one of your expressions... and I think of you.  And many times I can't help but cry... this stupid pain hasn't lessened.

I don't cry every day anymore.  But I still think about you all the time.  I remember little things.  Like you filing your nails at work.  About how you got excited when you made yourself a hair appointment.  How you loved your rings.  Especially pearls.  And silver/platinum.  And the opera.  Classical music.  Shiny black and polished silver.  How we ate chocolates and laughed and "talked smack" while Mark waited on us like we were queens.  I remember how much you loved my children.

I remember us being outside drinking champagne, and were so tipsy we didn't even know it had gotten cold outside.  I remember us going to the Fright House that Halloween, and seeing Pinhead from Hell Raiser and being so scared, and then laughing our heads off... and then twenty minutes later seeing Pinhead walk by the ladies restroom as we were exiting and us screaming and running back into the bathroom again.

I remember laying in front of the tv with you, watching U2 videos, and Tales From the Crypt.  I remember we used to eat at "The Golden Eggroll", and me eating your broccoli because you hated it.  I remember how we had matching cars... Honda Civics.  Except yours was black and mine was white.   I remember when we got matching haircuts, except yours was blonde and mine brunette.  I remember you calling me a health food nut because I liked pumpkin seeds.  Haha. :)   I remember how I always made fresh sweet tea when you were coming over because you loved it so much.  I remember buying you an entire case of Starburst candy... your favorite.  And how you separated all the flavors in order from your very favorite to your least favorite. :)  And how we laughed about that.


I remember that you loved my dads grilled chicken and my moms potato salad.  I remember that you ate barbecue sauce on your green beans.  I remember that we both loved U2, and Sinead O'Connor.

I remember how you hated lizards.  And loved cats.  I remember that you found a parakeet outside and caught him and named him Keanu Blue.  I remember having cooking decorating parties at Christmas, and the time we smashed a cough drop and used it as "sprinkles" and cracked up thinking who was going to be the one to end up with it.  (it was me, and it was gross!) LOL

I wonder how long this will hurt.  I wonder how long the memories will last, or will they fade?  I hope they don't fade, ever.  I don't want to forget one thing about you.  I want to remember every time we laughed, every time we were silly.  Every time we acted crazy.  And every time we were just there.. quiet..  just... there.  Knowing that the other was right there.

Sometimes I think you are still just 'right there'.  But you're on the other side, and I can't see you, or feel you there anymore.  I can't hear you laugh, or smell your perfume, or you calling me "Heifer".


I miss you Steph.  36 was too young.  I was your friend for thirteen years.  And it flew by in a flash.  Especially since the last couple of years we barely saw each other.  And the last 18 months, I didn't see you at all.  I wanted to.. but we had our own lives, our own problems, and before we knew it... before *I*knew it.  It was too late.  You were gone.  Just 8 days before my 38th birthday.  We were a year and 4 months apart.   What you don't know, Stephanie, is that my beloved Grandpop died two years after you.  Exactly one week after you.

I miss you.  I miss how we used to laugh.. and talk about everything.  How we had planned to be two crazy old ladies together and we were going to be menaces in the old folks home.  But, you went on without me.  Jesus called you.. and you went to Him.  It was your time.  And I get that.  I am selfish.. I wanted you here longer.  I wish I'd seen you more while I still could.

I know though, in my heart, that you loved me.  And you knew in your heart how much I loved you.  We were heart-sisters.   I hope you know how much I still think of you.. love and miss you. I wonder if there is a window in Heaven where you can sometimes look down and see us who still miss you, and mourn you.   And I am grateful for those moments I sense you.. and know you're there, watching over me.

I miss you Heifer Girl.

Love, Susan

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